Time to figure things out

I really have not had a chance to update lately, just things have been busy and doing a bit of soul searching.  Right now I am down to 1 job, which could have its benefits as well as struggles.  Right now things slowed down so I can gather my breath and just think (if possible).  I am trying my hardest to get things through  the system per se. Not sure where to start really.. but yes I am still looking for a 2nd job that wont exhaust me.  But I am also looking into jobs.  There is a medical assistant program up here that I figured I might as well look into seeing what I need to do for it.  I know my EMT stuff will transfer into there.  But I am also looking into doing my EMT up here... work on getting it transferred in as well as seeing what I need to do to work on the next step of getting my Advanced certificate.  BUT first will be my children.  They are first and I need to make sure that I can make it with working and keeping them busy with stuff.  School is almost out for them and originally we had a trip planned for this summer, letting them go down to my parents for a 2 week break, however, my oldest might be starting a specialized school and I am waiting to see what we need to do for that.  If she is accepted, it will be a year round program.  This school is the Carmen Pingree Center for Learning for autistic children.  I am pretty excited and scared at the same time.  I will have to arrange transportation for her to the summer program not to mention the school is in the North SLC area (up by the U) and I live in the South area. ICK.


Yet another thing getting to me, is my younger brother.  He has had some health issues and it has taken a turn for the worse.  His liver is in complete failure.  One kidney works.  He now has pancreatitis from the poison floating around in him.  None of the Doctors will agree on anything down there.  One talked about getting him started on Dialysis, and another dr threw the idea out.  One dr gave him a life term of 5 years, another 3 - 5 months (I hate to say this but this one seems about it).  But my parents are in a right state.  Arrangements have already been made for my nephew to go to my brothers best friend... but my parents aren't handling things very well.  They know they cant raise my nephew since both have health issues but the stress of what my brother is going through is killing them.  I heard my stepdad cry on the phone yesterday and it just about killed me as well. So one of the things I have been debating on is going back home for awhile.  Just move back.  Help out where I am needed there.  Yet we lose all the resources that we finally got here.  It took forever to get an In home worker started, we are also on the waiting list for a skills worker, the school, and all.  So I am torn.

Questioning my sanity

I figured I needed to update one of these days.  Just have a lot going on and barely anytime to think.  This month has just been one busy moment after another, that I hardly realize what day of the week it is or forget silly things.  I have been questioning a lot of things going on as well... but I will go into that later. 

However, tonight I do want to write about a conversation I had with my oldest.  She is 10 years old and even though shes autistic, I often forget how intelligent she can be.  Here I live in Singles Capital of UT and I don't get out.  But tonight she talked about me finding "one in a lifetime".  When I asked her to explain what that was, here was her response, "you know. Someone that will be stable for you. Someone that will work so you don't have to. Someone who won't yell or hit. Someone who is like you... active.. fun... goofy.. and I miss the gym. I liked going there with you. Reason your single is the others were wrong for you. Wanna know how I know? I just know".  This really got my mind running.  She was 3 years old when her dad and I went separate ways and the only male figure she has had was my dad, my brother, ex's dad, and home teachers.  I started to wonder if her issues would get better if there was a male in her life?  Not just any male, but one that is a positive person, one that shows her love (even though she is not his), the Alpha male.  This is one thing her therapists and I have discussed.  She has this thing with Alpha Males in her life.  I have tried to step up but its not the same thing.  She needs someone that can handle her because let me tell you, she is getting hard to control and the bad thing, almost as tall as I am (I'm 5' 5") and she is solid.

My youngest I don't worry about as much.  She was 6 months when we split.  So the male she had was the same as her sister.  But to her the word "dad" was something her sister said.  Tonight after this conversation she told me to go to the Gym and meet a guy lol.  That cracked me up.  Uhhu, I turned into a Introvert being a single parent.  Those who knew me before I had children, before I was married will describe me as an extrovert.  I wasn't afraid to meet people and have fun. I guess I just changed, grew up in a sense I suppose. 

I love my Saviors Love

I am just now getting around to watch General Women's Conference.  There have been so many things going on since my last update I don't know where to start.  But the one thing that has been a constant in these months, is the Saviors love for me.  The trials have not been easy by any means, but knowing that even though I am a single parent, I am not alone dealing with these emotions.  Yes physically on this earth, I am a full-time single parent.  Yet, I have priesthood in my household through the gospel. 
I have been blessed in this ward with such wonderful Visiting and Home teachers.  They check on me for lessons once a month, and yet call me more just to say HI and see how I am doing.  The love I feel for those in my ward are strong.  Many of them I still have not gotten to know, but feel that love.

One situation in paticular comes to mind.  One of my visiting teachers lives in the same complex as I do.  Her health has been struggling and she has had a few medical issues going on.  Yet one night, during one of Evies meltdowns, she came over to sit with me, and also took Nat back to her apartment just so I could deal with all of the Paramedics and Fire crew.  She offered to keep Nat with her as they transported Evie to the ER that night. 

This all brought me to what my original post was, the Saviors Love.  This wonderful sister, even though she was not feeling well, served me when I needed it the most.  When we are in service to others, we are in service to Him.

New Year, New Me

Ok, as much as I don't want to admit this, I will need to work on me a bit more.  So much has been going on that I just lost contact with who I am.  I hate to admit it, but my depression has came back and started to really kick my butt.  I am tired of staying home all the time and not doing anything.  I am hoping to find a new outlet to keep busy this year.


I do love reading still.  However I will not drown myself in books.  This was a huge problem for me in the past.  I avoiding all human contact outside of work and church and just read and stayed to myself.  This has turned me into an introvert (which I am far from).  I cant allow myself to go down that path again.


I will watch what I am eating more.  I have been good about avoiding fast food, but I need to work a bit more on that habit.  There are times where that has been the easiest means of getting a meal.  Figured I just need to start preparing meals ahead of time and freeze them if I have to.  That way when its meal time, just defrost and prepare.


Getting out and go.  Yepp It is time to drag myself off the couch of my securities.  I need to get out and meet other adults.  I really need that time to mingle and make friends.  That is where it has been the hardest for me.  After working all day, I usually want to go home and rest.  However, I do need to get out and not be so lazy. (need for my sanity)




I am sure there will be a few other things for this list, but for now this is a start for me.  I don't know when I had changed, but I don't like it.  I really need to get out and get the me time that I need.

I am surviving the holidays

Surprise surprise I am alive!!  So far I am surviving being alone without my children for the holidays.  I didn't think I could make it through Christmas, but I have.  Yes I was lonely and missed them, but they were just a phone call away.  I am hoping that this time will help us with each other.  I know its difficult with the girls being away from my parents as long as they are, but i do hope they see that the time they DO spend with them, balances out.

I have been working alot between both jobs, during this time.  The bad thing, is its not ME time as I kept saying it was.  I still need to find that "me" thing while living up here.  I do miss going to the gym... and yes I had thought about getting a membership up here, however I am looking at cost.  I am hoping to pay off a few more bills before I do something like that.  Also I want to see what it will cost to get the net at the apartment.  I dont have a land line phone so Im not sure if i would need to do that, but looking into ideas.

Sorry my mind and thoughts are all over the place at the moment.  Just tired and exhausted.  I do need to get to the house and clean.  But here I am sitting at the library checking email, doing my Melaleuca stuff.  yes i started that back up again.  I did notice the difference not only with the cleaning and clothes, but with the vitamins.  Im not ordering alot, just what I need to get the month through with cleaning supplies.

Lets see.... Well since my last update, I went to a movie!!!  Yes I finally treated myself to a real movie... Not just a DVD.  I went and watched Dr. Strange!!! and WOW!!!  I am in LOVE all over again.  I admit it, DeadPool was always my favorite Marvel person, but I have to admit Dr. Strange sure jumped up the ladder.  I decided I am going to add that one to my collection when it comes out.

Not much else to say... thinking about checking out some DVD's here and going home.  I just need to get the kitchen cleaned and the living room.  Figured its a start.  However i am sad, I cant find my IPOD anywhere. :-(

Today's kids

Tonight I am sitting at the local library doing some research and listening to some teenagers talking.  It is sad how they talk bad about their parents because they can't get the new IPHONE or they are not allowed to stay out past midnight on a school night.  The language they are using is just sad, especially for being in a public place not far from children.  It makes me question, where is the respect these kids have for others and for their parents?  Why is RESPECT something of the past?

I am a mother and I notice my kids press buttons with me all the time and yes it gets to me.  There is no respect there, but I am not giving up and hoping they will learn.  I do hope to teach them enough to make good choices in life, and hopefully not to follow their father's path (is incarcerated).  I hope to be the example they need but yet feel that I am failing in.  I know that I am doing better then I believe I am.  Just will take time for me to see that I am not screwing it up.

Nothing to really report about lately, just extremely tired.  Just feel like I haven't slept in a long time... hahaha yes sign im a mom.  But its more than just sleep, I am working 2 jobs and busting my hiney at both.  Just need to catch up on bills and try to save some money to the side for emergency use.  I feel bad because I haven't been able to do that, but with bills its almost impossible.  I have that fantasy that i am able to go back to school and finish my paramedic and be able to do what i want to do.  Yet as a single parent, I know that dream can not be reached at this time. Oh well. 

Anyways I am almost done with my time limit and need to get going.

Trying to feel the Christmas Spirit

Yes just call me Ms. Grinch.  With the girls fighting a lot and all of the oldest kiddos medical stuff, I just don't want to celebrate Christmas.  Yes that sounds bad but that is how I feel.  I just don't care at the moment.  I am just beyond exhausted at the moment I suppose.  Just would be nice to relax and be able to sleep and not have issues just one day!!!


I really feel both girls are not ment to behave at the same time.  Never fails, one child is good, the other acts up.  It is like the switch off. oh well. 


So yesterday, we ended up back at Children's Primary again.  Oldest had a huge meltdown (shattered a bowl.. so yea).  Im covered in bruises and scratches from the glass.  All they could say is "Yes her tummy is distended.  Lets increase her medicine and send her home".  Ok my kiddo has NOT pooped in NOW 4 days and they are cool with sending her home.  So yes this morning we had another meltdown again. 

Lets just say its a miracle I have survived this like I have.  Yet the stress just will keep adding up so it has me worried.  I need a new release but cant afford what worked in the past.  oh well.


So here I am sitting at the library, listening to Christmas music and hoping to feel the spirit and just get in the mood.  Just will be awhile before I can I suppose.  Maybe once I get the apartment cleaned up better and move a few things around I will feel better.