Come, come ye saints

Come, come, ye Saints, no toil nor labor fear;
But with joy wend your way.
Though hard to you this journey may appear,
Grace shall be as your day.
'Tis better far for us to strive
Our useless cares from us to drive;
Do this, and joy your hearts will swell—
All is well! All is well!

I am needing to remind myself of this hymn today.  Not only for what the saints went through as they crossed the lands, but what it means today.  Nothing is perfect, but we strive on knowing All is Well.

Today I had received a letter from my ex-husband about something, and all I could think was he didn't get the point!  I am mad!  YET, All is well.  I just need to breathe and trust this trial will be handled if I turn it over to Heavenly Father.

I need a trip to a beach, a fruit drink, and chocolate

There are days that I know I am NOT a people person.  Today is one of those days.  Between taking care of all of my daughters stuff, paperwork, work, and appointments.  I am done.  My brain is done!  I am beyond tired, I am exhausted!  I have been on hold with my daughters Medicaid for 25minutes now (because she is considered disabled by the state, they figure they need to add on hold time. More paperwork and for the family to jump through a hoop that is on fire).  

I should have known, where there is one blessing there will be 3 steps backwards with trials.  I am done!!  

I know most of my issues today stems from hormones (thank you PMS) but still, does everything have to happen today?  

Think I'm going to go buy some chocolate ice cream and eat it all

I need sleep

Lately the insomnia has been bad with me, keeping me up late, or waking me after only a couple hours of sleep.  Stress hasn't helped much with my oldest's medical stuff and listening to what others are saying on how to handle the situation. Why was I blessed with a child that has to go through such trials?  My poor girl cant control a lot of things, goes through issues, and has violent meltdowns.  Specialists want me to send her away to a long term residential home.  Yet can I?  I was blessed to raise this child, not to throw her away.  Just for the few days she has been gone for short term medical treatment, it has killed me being away from her as it has her.  I have staff telling me how excited she is to come home and be with family again. I am so excited to bring her back home, but yet I am scared. How long is the honeymoon period? How long before things start back up again?

Yes I am questioning WHY?!  Why was I blessed with this special needs child when I have people telling me for safety reasons, to give her to a long term place? Are we not taught to Endure through these trials to find the blessings?  I want the answers to these questions.

anyways... back to school work and studying.

I need a milkshake

Have you ever had one of those weeks where it seems nothing goes right?  Well this describes my week so far.  I'm just exhausted both physically and emotionally.  

Anyways I figured I could just watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer, study some on my chapter assignment.  I need a milk shake.... preferably a Mint chocolate chip kind.

anyways back to the school work 

I must be crazy, so I must be me

What was I thinking?  I moved back to NM to help out with family stuff and so I could get some more assistance with the kids.  I hate it here!  I miss the large city and all of the resources up there that my oldest kiddo had.  Here, I forgot what it was like.  I have to reapply for respite for my kiddo, had to apply for the DD waiver, no specialist for my kiddo, and education (that part is getting better). We found a new dr for her medicines, however we have to drive 130 miles once a month so we can go over medications.  The joys of living in a rural area, is 1 hospital (don't get me started).  Since moving back, my kiddo has been in the ED now 3 times, 2 of those were via ambulance.  The other, I took her in and she ended up being admitted (behavioral caused by medical).

Now the education part, that looked up.  When we first came back, they wanted to place her at the old school.  I fought the placement (and this decision was based of what their old IEP said, and not the UT IEP.  They didn't even look at it till 2nd week into school).  Well I was getting calls again to come pick her up (what they promised they wouldn't do).  Well her caseworker who "promised to be there anytime there was a meltdown/tantrum".  Her idea of being there was skyping with her and talking to her over a tablet and not being there physically to assist during those times.  Well 2 weeks back, there was a huge issue.  I still don't know what set it off but another caseworker called and asked that I show up at the school.  This caseworker that called me, has known my daughter since kindergarten.  His case load became heavy and they moved her to the other lady (which as stated was no help).  By the time I got to the school, she had destroyed the classroom.  Shelves pulled over, chairs tossed aside, desks dumped out, and it was a full meltdown rage.  Well EMS was called, 2 SO officers, 3 firemen, and 2 paramedics showed up.  They finally had to do physical restraints, load her on the gurney, and transport her to the ED. There she was given chemical restraints to calm down.  We kept her home and at that time I was debating on medical home schooling again.  The old caseworker decided to take her case again.  He called and told me that within 1 week she would be attending a new school (the school I had pushed at the beginning to get her in).  He looked over her IEP and agreed with what was written and felt the new school should be a better placement.  He couldn't understand why they chose not to place her but he would make sure it was done.  She has been doing better at the new school, yes there are still some issues but they are handling them as they come.

With all of that said, I decided it was a good time to go back to school.  I am still trying to decide if that was the right thing to do or not.  Yes things are going good, but still with all of the medical and trying to work part time... yikes.  I do want to finish with the full paramedic program (that is still my goal).  I just question how far I can get being a single parent and with all the medical stuff going on. I need to figure out what I can do and what will be possible.  But it feels great being back in the saddle again.  Knowing I can do this and I will do it.  Just need to do more studying and hands on practice.  Also need to work more with the medical math stuff again... they are right if you don't practice, you will forget it.

String Cheese kind of a day

Well I figured I better update some.  So much has changed and I am not sure where to start from.  One, I'm boring my parents computer.  Yeah I need to get my laptop fixed before school starts.....

Well Since the passing of my baby brother, I had decided we were needed back home.  IT has been a real eye opener being back.  I was quickly reminded how different it is being back here in a small town.  No resources and now I am having to start over from step one for all of the oldest's care.  I did mail in all of her paperwork to start the DD waiver here.  It is for those the state declares as disabled.  It is a program that will help with respite care and in the future, help her get training and lessons to be able to function.  Yes there is a chance she will end up in a residential home long term, but if its what she needs, then it will be there.  I do hope with all the paperwork they will see the urgency

of the matter.  Its a program that is based off need  and state funding.  But I have came to the conclusion, this is a must and not a want.  Do I want the extra help?  Yes, but I have learned that this will not just go away and she wont get better without the extra help.  Being also a single parent, this will come in handy as well.

Life back in NM has been interesting so far.  Both girls are in school... the oldest was moved to Animas.  That school is amazing!!  A fresh start for her in a new place where a lot of people do not know her.  The other is in Apache and ran into old friends of her's there.  

As for me?  I am going back to school this next year and decided its time to finish the Paramedic program like I have been wanting to.  I know there will be a lot of extra classes I will need to take and will need to improve in Math.  But it is my goal.

Time to figure things out

I really have not had a chance to update lately, just things have been busy and doing a bit of soul searching.  Right now I am down to 1 job, which could have its benefits as well as struggles.  Right now things slowed down so I can gather my breath and just think (if possible).  I am trying my hardest to get things through  the system per se. Not sure where to start really.. but yes I am still looking for a 2nd job that wont exhaust me.  But I am also looking into jobs.  There is a medical assistant program up here that I figured I might as well look into seeing what I need to do for it.  I know my EMT stuff will transfer into there.  But I am also looking into doing my EMT up here... work on getting it transferred in as well as seeing what I need to do to work on the next step of getting my Advanced certificate.  BUT first will be my children.  They are first and I need to make sure that I can make it with working and keeping them busy with stuff.  School is almost out for them and originally we had a trip planned for this summer, letting them go down to my parents for a 2 week break, however, my oldest might be starting a specialized school and I am waiting to see what we need to do for that.  If she is accepted, it will be a year round program.  This school is the Carmen Pingree Center for Learning for autistic children.  I am pretty excited and scared at the same time.  I will have to arrange transportation for her to the summer program not to mention the school is in the North SLC area (up by the U) and I live in the South area. ICK.


Yet another thing getting to me, is my younger brother.  He has had some health issues and it has taken a turn for the worse.  His liver is in complete failure.  One kidney works.  He now has pancreatitis from the poison floating around in him.  None of the Doctors will agree on anything down there.  One talked about getting him started on Dialysis, and another dr threw the idea out.  One dr gave him a life term of 5 years, another 3 - 5 months (I hate to say this but this one seems about it).  But my parents are in a right state.  Arrangements have already been made for my nephew to go to my brothers best friend... but my parents aren't handling things very well.  They know they cant raise my nephew since both have health issues but the stress of what my brother is going through is killing them.  I heard my stepdad cry on the phone yesterday and it just about killed me as well. So one of the things I have been debating on is going back home for awhile.  Just move back.  Help out where I am needed there.  Yet we lose all the resources that we finally got here.  It took forever to get an In home worker started, we are also on the waiting list for a skills worker, the school, and all.  So I am torn.