in the need of a back rub

Let me tell you my lower back is killing me.  Today has been insane!  With the EMT stuff I was constantly on the move so I never had issues with back, but this job I am standing there for almost 8 hours and yikes.  Even with my boots, my feet and back hurts.

Tonight at least I can sit down some even if its in front of the computer.  Things have been steady and not to bad.  I made my calls and now waiting for a call back from one of my favorite coworkers.  This guy really cracks me up.  He has a way of starting off the conversations with a joke or something off the wall. 

Anyways back to work... I also feel like baking either a chocolate cake or chocolate chip cookies...

... dang diet. Must have willpower

a day of nothing

Well I had hoped both kiddos would have cleaned their room so we could go out and do things, but nope.  So their punishment was mine as well.  I had to deal with 2 children having tantrums and fighting, however I stuck to my decision and we stayed home.  I am hoping they understand why I made that choice.  It killed me with it being my day off, but I forced myself to stay.  Ended up scrubbing the kitchen floor and cabinets.  I tried to read, but it was hard to just sit and relax.

Tomorrow through Saturday I work 2 jobs back to back starting at 10am.  I hope the new work schedule will be up by tomorrow.  I do need to find out about July 11th.  I finally got an appointment with Social Security for my oldest's issues.  I am hoping that I can get the help I need for her.  A friend of mine told me to just be honest with the application questions.  Also look at it this way, Will she live a normal life?  Will she be able to take care of her clothes, bathing, hair, cooking/shopping... for herself.  The answer, no.  I have to help her with a lot of things and even her last evaluation the Dr said she probably wouldn't be able to live a normal life.  Especially with all the medicine she has to take on daily basis and all the appointments she has to attend.  And here I am doing this all as a single parent.

Tonight was a quiet night at work. I made my calls and tried to work on past due bills.  One guy refuses to pay his bill because "he signed up while he was high on drugs and shouldn't be held responsible".  Seriously?  Then he asked why he cant get his TV to work, duh its disconnected because you haven't paid your bill.  ha

Anyways I better get the girls laying down soon and ready for bed.  Tomorrow will be a long day for me. 

well 1 step foward, 4 steps backwards

I am so ready for a new life.  Seriously how come I cant just trade this one in for a new one?  Ok just some of the things, not all of them. 

I guess today I'm just feeling the effects of not sleeping well.  I'm not sure what's going on but I feel like I haven't slept well.  I just need to figure out what is going on. 

Well back to work....

busy busy busy day

Well today has been an adventure...

Evies appointment went well.  Yes they went over usual calming techniques, but once again in one ear and out the other.  She refused to use any of them today.  So I had to get in between both girls several times today.

We met with the new rental place today.  I'm not holding my breath with them.  I don't know, just had some weird vibes while we were in there.  Its not that they aren't trustworthy but after all the reviews I read, I am seeing the issues.  For example there is a dead tree in the front yard.  I asked if there will be something done with that since its not even standing very well and one good windstorm can be an issue.  It is close to the house and yes it does lean towards that way.  Well one lady did not know about the tree issue, but the other lady said, "Oh yeah, I guess we are still waiting for them to decide".  Ok who is them?  and decide what?  I do know enough about rental insurance to know that with that tree, we will have issues getting coverage.  If it was to blow over or catch on fire, then yea. I did express my concerns to them and one lady was looking at her nails picking at it, the other lady was chomping (and I mean think of a cow) on gum.  Not to professional.  So we'll see.  All I know is I need to get a place with enough rooms so the girls do NOT have to share.

Then after that, came home and yes the girls started back up again.  Well I finally got them to relax and I was able to lay down while the laundry was going.  I was able to nap finally, but woke to a scream.  A mirror fell on Natalie (and how the mirror did NOT break is strange).  But it scratched her up and her wrist started to swell.  So got both girls ready, ran to the urgent care here and got it looked at.  Luckily nothing is broken but she is sore.  The nurse when ahead and cleaned up the scrapes and scratches.  I barely made it back home before my 2nd job started and I was getting calls to run orders.  My phone has been ringing off the hook. 

Well it has finally slowed down some, just in between orders at the moment.  Girls have settled down for a small time, only because one is playing and the other is watching a dvd.

But on the bright side, seems a lot of the employees are pushing for me to stay on past seasonal work.  I am seriously looking into it.  The closing manager last night gave me some paperwork and a study guide to learn Front End Supervision.  It isn't a huge promotion but it is a step up and it will add more to my position,  Plus if I pass all the study stuff then I will have a better chance of staying on past seasonal.  It would be nice to be able to stay since I really like a lot of the people that I work with there.  I am still meeting a lot of them, but its going well.

Well that is about it really. I have a few other things to do before bedtime tonight but just no energy to get any of it done at the moment.  Oh well I need to do what I need to do

new outlook

A friend sent this quote to me after what happened yesterday.  I settled down and found it in me to forgive that lady.  As stated, each situation is unique and each mother has different challenges.  My challenges are not what she has to face.  She does not understand what my child's medical needs are and yes she judged us wrongly on it.  I should not have allowed my anger to kick in like it had.  I guess when it comes to my children, I do turn into mama bear.  It hurts me that she wont allow her children to play with my girls, but its her choice.  I am dealing with my girls being upset but we will find a way around this. 

What does bother me is people out there that believe their children will "Catch" this kind of stuff.  It bothers me that people do believe this thought.  Evies best friend back home has Down Syndrome.  It never bothered me once or the other mom.  In fact it was a great support for us... especially for me.  It kills me though to see my daughter want to play with friends, and the parents not allowing it.  She doesn't understand why they cant, and really I don't know how to tell her.  I don't know if I should.  Here is where I am stuck.  But seeing her longing for playmates (that are not mommy or sister), it hurts me.

The person that had originally suggested this lady, still does not know what was said.  Right now I don't want to tell him.  One I don't want to drag him in the middle, and two, I want this behind me.  However, July 3rd they do fireworks and he invited the girls and I to go.  I am HOPING that I am off that night so I can find an excuse.  I know that sounds bad but I don't want to go.  For Evie seeing that little girl and wanting to play with her (since they live right across the street from my friend) would  be too hard.  So I am waiting to see if I have to work either job.  I do hope I have my evening job at least, that way the girls and I can stay home and relax.. who knows.  I just don't want to go.  I don't know if seeing her would make me angry again and I really do not want to deal with that.  I am trying to get passed that and love my daughters.

ugh.. why me

Yeah I should be happy, feeling giddy, and all those amazing feelings.  But I don't.  Right now I'm just too tired still.  I suppose stress has really been kicking my butt lately and driving me nuts.

I think of all those walls that I had developed over the past 6 years and how it shut everyone out and all emotions and feelings off.  Well I thought I was past that by now, but I am not.  I need a blessing at this moment.  I don't have Home Teachers ..... ok that is not true.  I have some assigned yet they have NOT came by to see us or contacted us in anyway.  Being a single woman, with NO priesthood in my family, you would think this would be one of the reasons to make sure I get someone, but nope...

But seriously, as I look at what is on my hand  I am starting to question a lot of feelings, emotions, what is right and what is wrong.  Guess my ex really messed me up hu?

But seriously I am battling these emotions right now and its driving me nuts.  I need to figure out what is going on and what I need to do.  My girls LOVE him, and I know that means something.  There have been many times that Evie would say something in the past and later I wondered if she had received some personal revelation on the issue or what?  Does that make sense?

Anyways I have a long day today.  I have to hit the grocery store, return library stuff, then work from 11 till 6 today with the data job.  So at least I can stay home, get some cleaning and laundry done.

Major vent

OK,  So Tuesday I had a sitter lined up and yea she had kids... offered to help... blah blah blah.  I explained that I do have special needs child and yepp she was fine with that and "could handle it". 

Well today I found out that she couldn't.  She did NOT call me or text me... Rather called a friends MOM and explained that she could not handle the girls and that they were "undisciplined and saying one is special needs is an excuse to allow her to get away with a lot of things".  OK that day she said "oh they were fine, yea I had to separate the girls once..."

So yea this mama is PISSED!!!  And right now if anyone is offended by that word, oh well.  But I am seeing red!!!  Lady if you even tried to walk in my shoes, you would have given up LONG TIME AGO!!!!  I doubt you would have lasted 2 steps.

yeah... I'm done.