Yes I am alive

Things have been just crazy isn our household.  I haven't had a chance to get online much to do any updates like i want.  Any online time has been researching genetic research.

Well the update goes as follows,

we are moved into the new apartment.  work has been good... E behavior not what I had wanted.  Lets just say it was a very severe meltdown.  Last monday night the girls went swimming as promised.  Well I had just gotten off work and told them they could swim for 30 minutes but then it would be time to come in.  Well I gave them the countdown when it got closer, but E was getting more aggressive and agitated.  So long story short, she had a HUGE meltdown and i ended up calling Emergency to have her transported.  They wanted to admit her but stubborn me wouldn't have it (and yes i regret that).  Then that Friday, she ran off from her sister and I... so called emergency again.  Luckily they found her.  Well I took her back to the hospital and this time they weren't concerned with admitting her nor about our safety.

Then the big one... Saturday.  She ended up having a huge issue so when she calmed down enough, i took her up to Children's Primary and they evaluated her.  They ended up agreeing with me about admitting her to the University Neuropsychiatric Institute (UNI) here in SLC.  I hated having to do that.  I am her mom and I am supposed to be able to fix the issues and make things better, not send her off.  Yes i feel guilty but I know it was for the best.

She has since been discharged and now doing a Day Treatment program.  But things are not perfect.  They kept her on her Prozac and changed the other two medicines.  They threw out the original diagnosis (kept the ODD oppisitional Defiance disorder) but they are trying to figure out what is going on.  She shows some characteristics of a child on the spectrum (high functioning), but also shows characteristics of a child with a chromosomal abnormality.  They want to do some genetic testing.  So now we play the waiting game on that since it will take awhile to get that test, then hope insurance will pay for it.

Well i figured i would let you all know I am alive.  Just alot going on.....

Im a warden

There are days I am a warden with my kids.  I am having to sit over Evie just to get her to clean her room.  Nat isn't to bad, she will do her job when asked, but ugh.  Last night they didn't get to bed till after 1am.  So yes I woke them up at 8am to start cleaning.. again. 


I need a warm sandy beach somewhere, sipping on a fruity drink and enjoying the sound of the ocean waves.

yepp

Well plus side, I am finally getting the medical help for the kiddo.  We are going in the right direction.  I love it here but...

I hate only working part time.  I hate feeling like I cant provide. grrrrr... and I HATE not being able to do my EMT stuff!! 

Yepp... anyways I am done or the night.  I need to get some reading done and get to bed

I think im alive

Well even though I was excused from work today, I still went in.  I kept my water bottle with me at all times today and drank a lot!!  I think that helped. I still feel really worn out though, but it will take awhile to get back up to where I need to be. 

I also had a nice long talk with my mom on the phone tonight.  She was seeing a bit of what I was telling her about whats going on.  She agreed with me.  So I don't feel bad.. but problem is, I don't feel.  I don't know what is going on but yeah I was upset but that was it.  It didn't last long and I'm still feeling ok.  I feel mad at him but that is it.  You would think I would feel broken hearted or something... but I don't.

One thing maybe, I'm mama bear.. I am protective over my girls.  The fact that I had promises "I'll help you..." went to "my mom said I cant watch them on Sunday night..".  First of all HOW old are you?  Ugh. Then the fact he through "i did this for you.... I over drawn my account... "  umm I never asked for that.  He kept changing the facts on me, and that's when I started to realize how similar it was from the time before. I went through that with my ex husband.  I remember he threw stuff like that back at me... wouldn't listen to what was going on. 

What I am looking for is someone I don't have to support.  If I want to be a mom and stay home I should have that right!  I cook.  I clean.  I do dishes... if I want to work then it should be fine as part time.  I supported my ex with working myself into the ground.  I will not do that again. 

Yeah I'm a bit mad... but then again I'm still not feeling 100% better so that's my excuse

sicky sicky sicky

For anyone who has EVER worked in the medical field will know this... but medical people make the WORSE patients.  Yepp. I hate being sick.  I'm grumpy and don't want to listen to the instructions.  I'm stubborn like that.

But seems there is a virus going round up here, mimicking the flu... but its all gastro.  Well guess what.  It started last night at work and today it hit full force.  So I ended up at the local urgent care up the street, they threatened me with an IV, however I promised to drink lots of fluids.  So got a medicine to settle my stomach and was told to go home and rest.

Ok so I came home, laid down, took the medicine and rested (as much as my kids would allow).  YES I drank water and tried to eat something (bad idea).  So water and ice it is.  I went ahead and was given a note to stay home today, and tomorrow if needed.  I do hope that tomorrow I do feel better to go to work.  If at all I'll just take my water bottle and just keep filling it up.  They want me to follow up with a primary, but however I do not have one up here (yea my bad).  So we'll see.  Frozen slush Gatorade and water for now.

Tuesday Natalie has an evalution then after, I have an appt.  After that I had set up a few apartment viewings and hope to find something soon.  I am looking for one that will accept animals.  I know my daughter does qualify for a service (therapy) pet.  So looking for something where it wont be too much of a problem.  That kid keeps changing her mind if she wants a dog or a cat.  But something that will allow her to focus on, and that is trained for the meltdowns.  I know a trained animal will be costly but we'll find a way.  I remember when we had pets when she was younger, she was able to focus.  She was able to focus on that animal, petting, stroking, and playing.  It had a way of calming her when she needed. 

Anyways I am done with the update.  Took another medicine and I'm getting exhausted now.  I'm trying to keep my stress down while being sick as well.  This is NOT fun

where is thy faith?

..............

Shattered glass

This has been a tough week for me.  I am seriously thinking about a few things and changes that I need to make.  I don't know where to go from here, just keep praying about things I suppose.  Right now I feel like I have lost faith.  Do I feel my prayers are being heard? Yes.  But why are the answers being withheld?

I have 2 weeks to find a new place to live and that is the major struggle.  I have been looking and doors are just closing and its frustrating.  I KNOW this is where I am suppose to be. Everytime I pray about it, it feels peaceful.  Yet why is one of the major struggles that I am having being withheld?  I just don't understand.  The one time I need a blessing, I still have not met my home teachers.

Anyways,  I decided to take a small break from facebook.  I am going to tell a certain guy that I just cant marry him.  I know he will be hurt and angry, but right now I have to work on me, and all these issues I'm dealing with from the past.  This is part of the PTSD.  Your brain needs to be retrained and its been 6 years since I had the issue... so its 6 years I need to recover.  There are just certain things that are getting to me and I don't want to say anything because I know it will come out defensive and wrong.  But this is just who I am.  Yes every relationship is different and everyone goes through the good and bad, but someone like me who went through things, those things take the front plate and become an issue. 

anyways that's it for me.  I don't know what I going to happen with us.....