Im a warden

There are days I am a warden with my kids.  I am having to sit over Evie just to get her to clean her room.  Nat isn't to bad, she will do her job when asked, but ugh.  Last night they didn't get to bed till after 1am.  So yes I woke them up at 8am to start cleaning.. again. 


I need a warm sandy beach somewhere, sipping on a fruity drink and enjoying the sound of the ocean waves.

yepp

Well plus side, I am finally getting the medical help for the kiddo.  We are going in the right direction.  I love it here but...

I hate only working part time.  I hate feeling like I cant provide. grrrrr... and I HATE not being able to do my EMT stuff!! 

Yepp... anyways I am done or the night.  I need to get some reading done and get to bed

I think im alive

Well even though I was excused from work today, I still went in.  I kept my water bottle with me at all times today and drank a lot!!  I think that helped. I still feel really worn out though, but it will take awhile to get back up to where I need to be. 

I also had a nice long talk with my mom on the phone tonight.  She was seeing a bit of what I was telling her about whats going on.  She agreed with me.  So I don't feel bad.. but problem is, I don't feel.  I don't know what is going on but yeah I was upset but that was it.  It didn't last long and I'm still feeling ok.  I feel mad at him but that is it.  You would think I would feel broken hearted or something... but I don't.

One thing maybe, I'm mama bear.. I am protective over my girls.  The fact that I had promises "I'll help you..." went to "my mom said I cant watch them on Sunday night..".  First of all HOW old are you?  Ugh. Then the fact he through "i did this for you.... I over drawn my account... "  umm I never asked for that.  He kept changing the facts on me, and that's when I started to realize how similar it was from the time before. I went through that with my ex husband.  I remember he threw stuff like that back at me... wouldn't listen to what was going on. 

What I am looking for is someone I don't have to support.  If I want to be a mom and stay home I should have that right!  I cook.  I clean.  I do dishes... if I want to work then it should be fine as part time.  I supported my ex with working myself into the ground.  I will not do that again. 

Yeah I'm a bit mad... but then again I'm still not feeling 100% better so that's my excuse

sicky sicky sicky

For anyone who has EVER worked in the medical field will know this... but medical people make the WORSE patients.  Yepp. I hate being sick.  I'm grumpy and don't want to listen to the instructions.  I'm stubborn like that.

But seems there is a virus going round up here, mimicking the flu... but its all gastro.  Well guess what.  It started last night at work and today it hit full force.  So I ended up at the local urgent care up the street, they threatened me with an IV, however I promised to drink lots of fluids.  So got a medicine to settle my stomach and was told to go home and rest.

Ok so I came home, laid down, took the medicine and rested (as much as my kids would allow).  YES I drank water and tried to eat something (bad idea).  So water and ice it is.  I went ahead and was given a note to stay home today, and tomorrow if needed.  I do hope that tomorrow I do feel better to go to work.  If at all I'll just take my water bottle and just keep filling it up.  They want me to follow up with a primary, but however I do not have one up here (yea my bad).  So we'll see.  Frozen slush Gatorade and water for now.

Tuesday Natalie has an evalution then after, I have an appt.  After that I had set up a few apartment viewings and hope to find something soon.  I am looking for one that will accept animals.  I know my daughter does qualify for a service (therapy) pet.  So looking for something where it wont be too much of a problem.  That kid keeps changing her mind if she wants a dog or a cat.  But something that will allow her to focus on, and that is trained for the meltdowns.  I know a trained animal will be costly but we'll find a way.  I remember when we had pets when she was younger, she was able to focus.  She was able to focus on that animal, petting, stroking, and playing.  It had a way of calming her when she needed. 

Anyways I am done with the update.  Took another medicine and I'm getting exhausted now.  I'm trying to keep my stress down while being sick as well.  This is NOT fun

where is thy faith?

..............

Shattered glass

This has been a tough week for me.  I am seriously thinking about a few things and changes that I need to make.  I don't know where to go from here, just keep praying about things I suppose.  Right now I feel like I have lost faith.  Do I feel my prayers are being heard? Yes.  But why are the answers being withheld?

I have 2 weeks to find a new place to live and that is the major struggle.  I have been looking and doors are just closing and its frustrating.  I KNOW this is where I am suppose to be. Everytime I pray about it, it feels peaceful.  Yet why is one of the major struggles that I am having being withheld?  I just don't understand.  The one time I need a blessing, I still have not met my home teachers.

Anyways,  I decided to take a small break from facebook.  I am going to tell a certain guy that I just cant marry him.  I know he will be hurt and angry, but right now I have to work on me, and all these issues I'm dealing with from the past.  This is part of the PTSD.  Your brain needs to be retrained and its been 6 years since I had the issue... so its 6 years I need to recover.  There are just certain things that are getting to me and I don't want to say anything because I know it will come out defensive and wrong.  But this is just who I am.  Yes every relationship is different and everyone goes through the good and bad, but someone like me who went through things, those things take the front plate and become an issue. 

anyways that's it for me.  I don't know what I going to happen with us.....

An act of love

I do love living here where there is such a wide diversity of religions, beliefs, and race.  I have met many different people from all over the world and its wonderful.  Last week we took a tour of the Conference center here with a wonderful family from Finland.  They were laughing with us and got a kick watching my girls talking about the plants on the roof.

Then yesterday, I was really touched.  There was a woman needing to buy her daughter a pair of cleats for Soccer.  She was on her lunch break from a restaurant in the mall.  This lady supports 3 kids on her own.  Yes she receives help from her church but she makes sure she sacrifices for them.  Her daughter loves to play sports and this woman picked up an extra shift to pay for the fees needed.  She also has bake sales with the other soccer moms to help with uniforms and traveling.  Well she needed these shoes and she started to count out the money she needed.  She was $1.00 short.  Behind her in line was a very nice Muslim woman who comes in once in awhile.  She looked at the lady and watched her count out coins, handed me a $5.00 bill and told me to add that to the bill.  She didn't know who this lady was, but she opened her heart and helped her.  The waitress was in tears and offered her a free meal, she looked at her and said "no need, one day you will help someone else.  Just keep passing on the love and generosity."

How beautiful this was!! I have felt strangers love before.  Someone bought me my cap and gown for college graduation, no idea who.  Someone made sure my girls had a great Christmas... my first Christmas as a single parent and I was scared about gifts for the girls.  My work called and said someone left a few things up there for my girls.  They didn't know who, but it was very touching. Someone had nominated Evie to go shopping for school clothes at Target.  We didn't know who, but there was a set amount.  Because of Evie's sensory issues, some of the clothing was more expensive and I was going to pay the difference but the shopper we were with, pulled out his debit card and paid the  $19 difference.  I had a friends brother give me a check so I could get coats for the girls (my first year as a single mom) and expected nothing in return, just help others.

 I have also witnessed many good deeds preformed in the past.  Someone bought me my hot chocolate at a Starbucks drive through.  I remember a guy in beat up clothes, covered in tattoos, give 2 movie passes to a woman who wanted to take her daughter to a movie for her birthday. The show they wanted was sold out and the next one was 3D.  He walked up and handed the box office cashier 2 passes that WOULD work for that show and told them to use it. 

I keep wondering how this world would be if people just smiled and helped someone in need?  There is so much hate in this world over stupid things.  What happened to love one another?  I know that there are many people who are jerks and want to cause pain and hurt, but how about swallowing your pride and helping others?  I hate watching the news anymore, since all they report is the negative stuff, but I KNOW there is positive stuff out there.  In my hometown an officer bought 2 children bikes and helmets.  One year, one took a friends kids on the "Shop with a Cop" and  he paid for clothes, supplies, and toys (with funds), then he bought them some groceries from his own cash.  There is so much positive stuff out there, we just need to look for it.  If you don't see it, please create it.  Do service for someone.  Smile at someone different.  Help with homeless projects.

As this year is half way, I look back and realized I could have done more help myself.  This past May, Evie and I got to help with a service project up here in UT.  We got to sort clothing for the homeless and prepare a few snack boxes.  What an amazing thing to help!  I remember when we got done the first night, Evie looked at me and said her heart was full of happy.  What a touching thing!  This will be something she wont forget, and is ready to do more service work.  In August they will do another sorting party and I have already signed us up to help once again.  I may not have been able to see the looks on the peoples faces when they got their food boxes and new clothes, but I am sure they were touched at the generosity of others helping.

Just take this time to think about what good you can do for someone.  I would love to hear about it. #actoflove

Day off = Go, Go GO

We have been going since 9am this morning.  Holy cow!!!  I wish I had a pedometer just to see how much I walked. :-)

I have been doing some thinking though.  Today I had an appointment and talked a lot about everything I had been through from the past, especially everything with my ex husband.  It just got me thinking, am I ready for  relationship?  I don't know.  Also with all of Evie's issues, I need someone that will understand why I'm tired, or why I can only work part time.  I deal with a lot on daily basis that a lot of people could not handle.  I have had to place myself between both girls, and take the hits.  I am the one that sits up all night while one child is screaming and breaking things.  I received calls while at work to go pick up my daughter from daycares or school.  I have had to sit with her in school just to get her to do her work. I am the one that made the decision to call non-emergency for her and sit in the ER with her after a meltdown.  I have done ALOT as single mom!!  But I need someone that can see this.  I need someone that wont expect me to work full time and yet be the full time mom.  I moved 400 miles from my family for better medical care for her.  As a friend says, I detached the umbilical cord (ok its been detached since I have lived on my own for quite a long time.) 

So now it comes to the major decision on what to do.  I am staying up here, but will have to be finding a place.  I will be looking for just the girls and I.  I do love it up here and do not want to go back to NM.  For the first time I feel like I belong somewhere. Yes it gets lonely here, but there is a lot to do, and, well I feel great here.

Also today, as we walked around Temple Square, we saw Elder Eyring!!!  YES in person!!! hehehe it was the coolest thing ever!  He said hi.  I wish I had my phone so I could have taken a picture!! lol yes I probably would have asked for a selfie.

But as we were in the North visitors center, there was a video "Finding Peace".  I listened to Elder Hollands, and Pres. Monson's talk.  WOW just what I needed.


anyways that's all for me.  I do believe its going to be time to get some sleep soon.  I have to work a long shift tomorrow

my pet peeve

I am a very open person.  Well today I had to deal with someone I would have rather NOT delt with. One of my managers is Native American, and she is awesome.  Well she was helping on registers and was open.  A customer was ignoring her so the people behind him walked up to her.  Well my register was opened and the guy walks up.  He starts talking about how he doesn't recognize America anymore.  He also had a "White Power" shirt on, and started bragging about it being autographed by Donald Trump. He even had pictures shaking hands, and turning around as his shirt was being signed.  As he walked off I could hear him talking about "illegals need to go away and leave this land for the Right white man."  Yea I wanted to throw my stapler at him. 

Both bosses were really mad at this guy and the security were mad.  He would ignore anyone that wasn't white. grrrrrr.  So next time he comes in, they hope to have him trespassed.  I guess he had issues in the mall as well since the security guard came in looking for him.  He said they had multiple complaints about the guy.  Another reason I will not vote for Trump.


Anyways, today has been one of those emotional days.  Between second guessing everything now, misreading a lot of things... I think I am ready for bed.  I am down to 1 job now.  The other job, half of the employees walked off and with it being slow, they said they were going to place my position on hold.  She hopes it picks back up so she can place me on the schedule again, but right now I'm just going to relax now and breath. tonight I was able to cook a real dinner, do some laundry, and catch up on a show I have been wanting to watch.  Yes it will be a tight budget but I will figure everything out.

Anyways, I'm going to read some and maybe sit back and relax in the tub.

Freedom

As we celebrate our Independence day, I am reminded of what it took to make it free.  All those sacrifices of lives just so we have the freedom to be the people we want to be.

Today's day we are dealing with refugees again.  Many people are spreading hate messages, blaming crimes on them, and basically stupid stuff.  But let me tell you something,  I have had the chance to work with an amazing Syrian Muslim at my job.  She is 18 and came over with a 8 year old brother to live with her aunt and uncle.  Her mom, dad, and younger sister were killed in Syria trying to escape out of the war torn land.  Her dad died trying to protect her mom and sister.  Some strangers grabbed her and her brother and made them run with them right after all that happened.  As I got to talking to her, she was so excited to celebrate her 1st Independence day here.  Even though she is not American, she said "I am free here.  I lost my family who wanted us to be free.  Here I am able to go to school if I want and not be threatened.  I can read, write, walk down the street if I want to.  I will celebrate my Independence for being in this wonderful land."

I can not even fathom what she has went through or experienced.  Over the few days we talked about things she wants to do.  She said she wants to save up to take her brother to Disneyland.  She has plans for her first paycheck to start getting him school supplies.  Her aunt has helped but she said that she wants to contribute to the help as well.  She is also looking into attending school when she can.  She wants to be a teacher and is already looking at what she would need to reach that goal.  She talked about the fear of her wanting to go to college and being a female it was not allowed before.

I am grateful to be free.  I am here because there were people who fought for our freedom.  The chance to go to school without fear of persecution for being female.  The freedom to study religion and choosing that belief.  I can own a car, drive, have a bank account... ect.  In many places there are laws against females owning any of this.  These are things I believe we take for granted.

All this being said, This is why I am NOT a Trump supporter.  He accuses all Muslims for the hate that a group is causing.  Well in the example I already stated above, are all white people killers?  We chased off a few of the Native Tribes from their land.  Murdered many.  So you see where I am getting with this.  We cant blame everyone for one group is doing.  Not everyone is the same.  So spewing all that hate and scaring people for votes its not going to help.  He wants the muslims here to register... Remember the last time we did that?  Think back to the holocaust.


Anyways, I have looked at today with a new set of eyes thanks to the help of a young Muslim refugee.  This young girl witnessed horrors that I can not fathom.  She lost her family because they wanted to escape and find freedom. 

"We can't be consumed by our petty differences anymore. We will be united in our common interests. Perhaps it's fate that today is the Fourth of July, and you will once again be fighting for our freedom... Not from tyranny, oppression, or persecution... but from annihilation. We are fighting for our right to live. To exist. And should we win the day, the Fourth of July will no longer be known as an American holiday, but as the day the world declared in one voice: "We will not go quietly into the night!" We will not vanish without a fight! We're going to live on! We're going to survive! Today we celebrate our Independence Day!" (I love this quote)

Last night only slept 4 hrs.  I just couldn't relax between feet and legs hurting.  Not sure whats going on... You would think with all the EMS stuff it wouldn't bother me but this does.  Maybe its just standing there in one place for a long time that is getting to me.  Hopefully tonight I can move around some.  I'm working 1 job  2- 6pm. The 2nd job 8 pm - 1:30am.  SO I'm sure I wont be on register the whole time since they close about 11ish.  We just have to make sure things get put up and the store gets organized for the next days sales.

I am off on Monday however... YAY!!  So trying to figure out what the girls and I should do.  Guess I'll figure it out. 

anyways I best get back to work.