New Year, New Me

Ok, as much as I don't want to admit this, I will need to work on me a bit more.  So much has been going on that I just lost contact with who I am.  I hate to admit it, but my depression has came back and started to really kick my butt.  I am tired of staying home all the time and not doing anything.  I am hoping to find a new outlet to keep busy this year.


I do love reading still.  However I will not drown myself in books.  This was a huge problem for me in the past.  I avoiding all human contact outside of work and church and just read and stayed to myself.  This has turned me into an introvert (which I am far from).  I cant allow myself to go down that path again.


I will watch what I am eating more.  I have been good about avoiding fast food, but I need to work a bit more on that habit.  There are times where that has been the easiest means of getting a meal.  Figured I just need to start preparing meals ahead of time and freeze them if I have to.  That way when its meal time, just defrost and prepare.


Getting out and go.  Yepp It is time to drag myself off the couch of my securities.  I need to get out and meet other adults.  I really need that time to mingle and make friends.  That is where it has been the hardest for me.  After working all day, I usually want to go home and rest.  However, I do need to get out and not be so lazy. (need for my sanity)




I am sure there will be a few other things for this list, but for now this is a start for me.  I don't know when I had changed, but I don't like it.  I really need to get out and get the me time that I need.

I am surviving the holidays

Surprise surprise I am alive!!  So far I am surviving being alone without my children for the holidays.  I didn't think I could make it through Christmas, but I have.  Yes I was lonely and missed them, but they were just a phone call away.  I am hoping that this time will help us with each other.  I know its difficult with the girls being away from my parents as long as they are, but i do hope they see that the time they DO spend with them, balances out.

I have been working alot between both jobs, during this time.  The bad thing, is its not ME time as I kept saying it was.  I still need to find that "me" thing while living up here.  I do miss going to the gym... and yes I had thought about getting a membership up here, however I am looking at cost.  I am hoping to pay off a few more bills before I do something like that.  Also I want to see what it will cost to get the net at the apartment.  I dont have a land line phone so Im not sure if i would need to do that, but looking into ideas.

Sorry my mind and thoughts are all over the place at the moment.  Just tired and exhausted.  I do need to get to the house and clean.  But here I am sitting at the library checking email, doing my Melaleuca stuff.  yes i started that back up again.  I did notice the difference not only with the cleaning and clothes, but with the vitamins.  Im not ordering alot, just what I need to get the month through with cleaning supplies.

Lets see.... Well since my last update, I went to a movie!!!  Yes I finally treated myself to a real movie... Not just a DVD.  I went and watched Dr. Strange!!! and WOW!!!  I am in LOVE all over again.  I admit it, DeadPool was always my favorite Marvel person, but I have to admit Dr. Strange sure jumped up the ladder.  I decided I am going to add that one to my collection when it comes out.

Not much else to say... thinking about checking out some DVD's here and going home.  I just need to get the kitchen cleaned and the living room.  Figured its a start.  However i am sad, I cant find my IPOD anywhere. :-(

Today's kids

Tonight I am sitting at the local library doing some research and listening to some teenagers talking.  It is sad how they talk bad about their parents because they can't get the new IPHONE or they are not allowed to stay out past midnight on a school night.  The language they are using is just sad, especially for being in a public place not far from children.  It makes me question, where is the respect these kids have for others and for their parents?  Why is RESPECT something of the past?

I am a mother and I notice my kids press buttons with me all the time and yes it gets to me.  There is no respect there, but I am not giving up and hoping they will learn.  I do hope to teach them enough to make good choices in life, and hopefully not to follow their father's path (is incarcerated).  I hope to be the example they need but yet feel that I am failing in.  I know that I am doing better then I believe I am.  Just will take time for me to see that I am not screwing it up.

Nothing to really report about lately, just extremely tired.  Just feel like I haven't slept in a long time... hahaha yes sign im a mom.  But its more than just sleep, I am working 2 jobs and busting my hiney at both.  Just need to catch up on bills and try to save some money to the side for emergency use.  I feel bad because I haven't been able to do that, but with bills its almost impossible.  I have that fantasy that i am able to go back to school and finish my paramedic and be able to do what i want to do.  Yet as a single parent, I know that dream can not be reached at this time. Oh well. 

Anyways I am almost done with my time limit and need to get going.

Trying to feel the Christmas Spirit

Yes just call me Ms. Grinch.  With the girls fighting a lot and all of the oldest kiddos medical stuff, I just don't want to celebrate Christmas.  Yes that sounds bad but that is how I feel.  I just don't care at the moment.  I am just beyond exhausted at the moment I suppose.  Just would be nice to relax and be able to sleep and not have issues just one day!!!


I really feel both girls are not ment to behave at the same time.  Never fails, one child is good, the other acts up.  It is like the switch off. oh well. 


So yesterday, we ended up back at Children's Primary again.  Oldest had a huge meltdown (shattered a bowl.. so yea).  Im covered in bruises and scratches from the glass.  All they could say is "Yes her tummy is distended.  Lets increase her medicine and send her home".  Ok my kiddo has NOT pooped in NOW 4 days and they are cool with sending her home.  So yes this morning we had another meltdown again. 

Lets just say its a miracle I have survived this like I have.  Yet the stress just will keep adding up so it has me worried.  I need a new release but cant afford what worked in the past.  oh well.


So here I am sitting at the library, listening to Christmas music and hoping to feel the spirit and just get in the mood.  Just will be awhile before I can I suppose.  Maybe once I get the apartment cleaned up better and move a few things around I will feel better.

just relaxing

Well I wont even go into my week, so don't ask :-)


But right now I am off work, bumming at the library and playing YouTube. Hahaha been vegging listening to NKOTB!!!!  Yes my weakness!! heheheeh will always and forever be a BlockHead!!


Figured today I would just update small things,... Lets see:


1)  From my post about helping others:  The man has been doing great.  He is working almost 6 days a week at the mall and being trained to do more work.  My coworker said that he sat with the guy in the food court during lunch one day and just chatted.  Hopefully he continues to do what he needs to do to continue to receive the help he needs.


not sure whatelse to write about.  My brain just isn't working and im ready for bed.. ha

no muse today

Sitting at the library and vegging when i should be home cleaning.  I just have no muse in my life today to get things accomplished.  Not sure what is going on, just what I am dealing with.  Just tired i guess.  So as i am sitting here, I decided to put on YouTube and listen to some music, and looking at tattoo stuff.  Ha i know im weird.

My music is very eclectic.  I listen to country (older stuff), dancing, latino, Rock, Pop, Classical, Opera, just whatever I am in the mood for.  So i have a play list on YouTube with a variety of items.  Figured might as well enjoy my time and hopefully relax some before i have to work tonight.

I have been pondering alot lately about where my life is going.  Especially in the job situation...

1)  I am a people person.
2)  I cant stand still... I have to keep moving.
3)  I miss doing the medical stuff.

The other day at work, I had a chance to use my EMT knowledge and skills to help someone.  It felt GREAT!!!  My boss was glad I was there to assist and said she couldn't have ever done something like that.  It is just what I do.  Some people believe they have a calling in life.  They believe they know what they want to do in life.  Well this is where I am.  I want to do the EMT stuff again!!!  I MISS IT!!  I got the education, and worked it for awhile till it was time to move up here.  Know it feels like i just dont belong in a position but i am working where i can for my daugter's medical stuff.  I guess I just will figure out where I belong in life.

Then what is weird is last night I had a dream about a friend from back home.  Him and i were sitting at a table drinking hot coco and it was snowing in the building.  Well I remember an alarm going off and he had on his scrubs (he is a nurse) and i had my old EMT uniform on.  So yea when i woke up.. just had a small pit in my stomach.  But I am doing what I need to do.

Well I need to go get Evie picked up soon from school... oh joy then head to work

My trials, my blessings

Since I have been dealing with all of Evie's medical stuff, tantrums, and meltdowns, I have came to the conclusion I might have found WHY I am dealing with all of this.  It is sort of like the "Pay it foward" thing.

Back home, I had felt alone dealing with everything and not understanding what to do, or how to handle it all.  I walked on egg shells dealing with all of her issues due to the fact she realized she had a grasp over me that  caused alot of problems for me.  Then I had learned she was getting a new Primary teacher and I was ready for the worst.  She does not handle changes to her set schedule at all.  Well it turns out the teacher was a friend of mines mom.  I remember her coming over and working with Evie till she got used to her.  I knew she had a son with Autism, but never knew him when he was younger.  She helped me by talking with me and helping to get Evie to alot of her activities.

Well a month before we moved, I remember us sitting in Relief Society, and I dont remember the lesson or what it was about.  But several of the sisters were asked to talk about something and how their testimonies grew from those struggles.  This sweet lady was not able to be in the lesson but had written her stuff done to be read.  Let me just say I was moved to tears.  In her letter she talked about the nights she had to deal with the autistic son, situation that would occur and as i listened to it I just KNEW i needed to be there.  Things she had went through with her son, was what I was currently (and still currently) going through with Evie.  That day I went up to her and thanked her for sharing her trials with me through the letter.  I remember what she said, "I am glad it helped.  I never want to be the person to say I am dealing with what you are going through, because I am not.  I had a husband that helped and you are dealing with this as a single parent. But I know what I shared will help you."

Here it has been 6 months (sure does not seem like it, and I still questioned alot and asked 'Why me?' I know we may not know or understand why we face the trials we do in this life, but I do believe Heavenly Father did show me a little of why me. This is my pay it foward...

This past weekend, the girls and I had attended our wards Trunk or Treat.  I am always on my toes about going to such things, because, Well i am not the social butterfly I used to be.  I am more of a wallflower now only because I dont know if i have to bolt out with one of the kids having their issue.  However, we sat down to eat dinner and a lady asked if her and her son could sit with us.  I said no problem.  I have talked to her from time to time at church but not often.  Her son asked if Evie could go play with him.  This i thought nothing of, but she had the look of shock and said Yes if it was ok with me.  Well the girls went to play with their new friend and the mom and I had talked.  Apparently he is going through alot of the same issues as Evie, and she is a single parent as well.  I remember the Bishop looking at us and said that we needed to find a time where her and I could just talk.  I may not be able to help her, but I do know that the struggles I have had, might give her some insight to how to help her son.  I was able to talk to her the other night and told her Evie was back up at the hospital again.  She said she kind of figured since she saw the firetruck and ambulance outside of our apartment.  She wants to get her son up to UNI (University of NeuroPsychiatric Institute) to get evaluated.  So I talked to her about the steps of having that happen and even gave her the number to the Crisis team.

I still may not be able to understand why I am dealing with what I am dealing with.  But Heavenly Father knows.  Last night we had a small issue again and yes once again the police had to come out to help with her.  In fact the one officer has been to my apartment several times when fire shows up.  He talked with me for about 30 minutes on what my next step needs to be.  I am grateful for that.  I may not like what he had to say (and it is what I had expected, her tantrums are the issue) but he was right.  It had opened my eyes on alot of it.

I do know her meltdowns will always be there, and with those I just ride the wave and hope she settles down.  But the tantrums are where I need to get under control.  Yes I had allowed those to get this bad because I was scared to punish her (from previous issues).  But I know the officer was right on how to get those under control.