hobbies

With all this talk about my PTSD and things, I haven't given much thought to my old hobbies.  I do hope to start them back up when I get the chance.  I remember there were things that I LOVED to do that I have either lost interest or the time to do them.

I want to start crocheting again.  I was doing that for awhile before the move, well then you can imagine the craziness.  I don't even know where my needles are.  I gave away a lot of my yarn but I did keep a few colors.  It would give my hands something to do and might make a great stress release.

Writing.  I used to love doing creative writing.  I had to do some for an English class a couple of years ago and it fed my passion.  Well there again I just haven't had the time to sit down and do that stuff.  I had a few stories on a Jump drive at one time, however someone stole it. grrrr.  I remember those ideas but to redo them again will be a pain.  I will find a time when I can I know.

However it wont be for awhile that I can start a lot of this.  This weekend I am going halfway to meet up with my parents to pick up my youngest daughter.  Then if I accept it, Monday I start a new job that will be full time.  The days off will not be together so I just will have to see what I can do.

One of the things I used to like doing, was watching movies.  I still cant sit still to watch anything.  HA you would think I would be able to... but right now nothing sounds good to me.  Oh well... just going to take it slow.

Once again I have a lot of thoughts going through my mind today.  Maybe that's why it seems I'm bouncing between everything.

Is it bed time yet?

I am BEYOND tired t the moment and my work shift just started.  Not sure what is going on, it could be a series of things at the moment.  My guess?  the mix of stress and PTSD.  There are days where I feel great and days like today, where I can just sleep the day away.

Today I think was triggered.  I have been working with the Department of Workforce for assistance with a lot of Evies medical stuff (Medicaid) and looking for work.  Well the good thing about UT, is you can meet with a therapist and get referred to a program to help keep things under control.  At first when they had suggested it, I wanted to tell them they were wrong, that I was fine and cured.  But deep down I knew that it was a false sense of security.  So I met with the lady today.  We had a nice talk and she asked some questions that I did not want to answer, but I did.  So yes emotions were a little rocky.  She does believe I will benefit from the program and is making the referral over to a place there off Redwood Rd.

Now many people may think that my PTSD started with my marriage.  But it didn't.  There are many people that are in denial from where it originally started from, but from talking about it today, helped and knowing what was said was the truth.

... The truth is, I am a broken soul.  I was before I met my ex husband.  I was before I moved up to UT 17 years ago.  I didn't know who I was, or how to think for myself.  Everything thing was made for me, choices, decisions.  Reason I had an issue with HS and College (the first time around)... was because I couldn't think.  I hated life.  I wanted to run away but I stayed.  It took forever for me to move through those emotions and finding excuses for why I was treated the way I was.  I had a boss that saw it.  But there again, I ignored the fact and just kept going along with it.  So you see a pattern?  There are many in abusive relationships (and yes not always marriage) that find excuses for behavior, listen to what is being said about them and believing it. 

Well today I finally talked to someone about that life.  It was nice letting someone just listen and not say "Oh I don't think that happened...." or "That person is so nice, are you sure it wasn't medical?"  So yea sometimes a strangers ears are better for some things.

I don't hate or resent the person who started all this.  I have learned to look past it and deal with it.  Now the person does have some medical issues that causes issues so yes it is an excuse.  But I don't care.  I have learned to forgive, but it doesn't not mean you forget.  You never forget the emotional feelings from being degraded.  you don't forget how it feels to be worthless and believing that you are nothing.  Some may not understand how this can happen, surely the person will just ignore and shrug their shoulders?  Well it isn't like that.  Over and over, time after time, you hear the same thing and deal with the same thing, so yes after awhile you do believe that it is true.

So that is all how it started.  15 years ago I had found a perfect person.  Perfect in my eyes, he was kind, loving, sweet, and a gentleman.  So I figured he was too good to be true.  I was not used to having someone that loving and nice.  We went our separate ways, only because I kept pushing him away from me. 

So now this is also why I am so picky when it comes to falling in love.  To protect myself.  And with days and times like today, it just is better to be alone rather then with another adult.  So another reason I had decided it was time to work on my issues.... So I could function as an adult.  The way I handled all those emotions was just ignore it and do or others and stay busy.  I never put myself first nor did I care. All that took a tole out on my health.  It is time I deal with this and heal... so I can take care of myself.  Up till getting this help, everything I have ever done, I did for my kids.  I would NOT take time for myself.  I made sure my kids always was first... in fact there was no "amy".  Just the mom who loves her kids and refused to deal with emotions.

Well I am rediscovering myself and hopefully discover how to help me.....

Yes it is me again.....

Nightly vent....

This one coworker of mine.  He calls me to run an order, which is fine, that is what I am paid to do.  Yet he just keeps hitting on me like mad.  I am NOT interested. First of all he is into more of a physical aspect if you get my drift.  I'm not.  I want a real relationship that I know is based off other things then just that.  Well tonight he asked me to dinner this weekend, I kindly told him no.  He then texted me and said "Anytime you want to hang out and do adult things hit me up".  UGH!!!!  Yes I am sure there are women that will fall for that, but I am not that one. 

The other lady I work with, has not had an issue with him yet.  She was being asked out by someone else but not him.  She laughed and said that I was "lucky".  Umm once again no.  This just goes to show that there is temptation everywhere.  I just need to better prepare myself to not give in to it.

Like I have said, my life is not perfect.  I am far from it.  But I do kind of know what I am looking for in a relationship (ok once I get over my commitment fear). 

My list:

Strong in the gospel (but doesn't need to be perfect)

Someone who respects their priesthood

Faithfull

Loves children

Supportive

Financial supportive (as in pulls weight, I supported my ex and don't want to do that again)

Does this person exist?  I don't know. There are times I believe my list is so long once again to protect myself.

part deux

I'm taking a small break from work.  Just thinking about something....

Ok so the new ward I moved into (as you have already read about) it hasn't been to great.  Well last night my kiddo needed a blessing after her meltdown.  I called around and nothing.  So I called one of my dear guy friends (he lives in another part of SLC) and explained the situation to him.  He came over and talked to her about her actions and things that were going on.  I do question if he understands her issues are more mental then anything else.  But either way she settled down and l hugged him.

So here is the situation.... both of my girls love him. Natalie just adores him like you wouldn't believe it.  She hasn't had a father figure in her life pretty much since she was 6 months old.  So the "dad" thing is new to her.  Don't get me wrong, she has had male influences in her life but that has been my younger brother, my dad, my ex husbands dad and some male teachers.  That's it.

My worries is they will get hurt.  And I don't mean by him.  I trust him... but I also know how I am with relationships right now.  I have a tendency to push people away, not wanting to deal with it.  I don't want to push him away where he is no longer in their lives, but at the same time I want to figure out things.  I know his feelings for me are strong.  But after having years of building up walls and not allowing any of those feelings or emotions in, it scares me.

I do find faults and even though I have not expressed those to him (yes I know I shouldn't) but there are things that just eat at me.  I vowed that when I was ready for a relationship that they would not be anything like my ex, strong in the gospel, great example, be able to take me to the temple....  nothing physical.  I don't know.  I guess I am scared to open my mind and heart after all these years.

but on the bright side... it has been raining here and the temp hasn't been to bad.  Yeah the kiddo has been going stir crazy being stuck in the house, but hey we are finding ways of keeping her happy.  Actually we did check out some movies from the library so she has been indulging herself with that.  Lately she has been watching a lot of Mythbusters.  I figured its not SpongeBob cartoons.

It is monday13th

I am sore.

For those that are not aware, Evie was diagnosed with Schizo-effective disorder with possible manic episodes.  It is a step down from Bi-polar.  I don't know how to feel about this diagnosis.  At times it answers my questions, but at times it does not.  She is also ODD (Oppositional Defiant Disorder).

There are a lot of unanswered questions that I have.  One of the reasons we moved to Utah, was so I could find those answers.  Up here they have a better pediatric behavioral health program.  I am just hoping to get answers to questions about certain behaviors she still has.

At times she seems like a 3 year old trapped in a 9 year olds body.  There are days where she seems fine but there are many days she seems like a young toddler.  These are the questions that I have still.  Her diagnosis does not explain this or why she cannot express herself verbally.  There are days her meltdowns are from being told she cannot do something, and there are times they come from her not feeling well and not able to verbally express that. 

Last night she had one of those meltdowns.  She wanted to bake a cake and I told her it was too late.  Well before I knew it, she started the process and had made a huge mess. Well I asked her to clean it up and she refused.  So you can see where this is going.  I ended up having to clean the mess before the roommate came home.  After that, she still had her aggression and anger.  So there I ended up dealing with that.  Yes I tried ignoring it and was talking on the phone with my parents and my other daughter.  Her anger got worse.  She was trying to push my buttons to get me to act out.  So needless to say she ended up causing me physical pain.  I am hoping that she didn't cause serious problems.  s she is getting bigger (9 years old, 4'7", 130 lbs). You may ask why I don't punish her?  Well there is a history with that. ...

I have always made sure I made a big deal when she did something good.  I made sure I praised her for her good behaviors and deeds.  Yet for her the negative is what fuels her.  The one time I spanked her (not hard), she lied to her teacher.  And from there on she saw the attention she was getting from her teacher through her stories and lies.  It took awhile for her to understand the damage it caused.  It triggered my PTSD. Every-time an unknown phone number popped up on my phone my anxiety kicked in.  When I saw her teacher or the school calling, it triggered.

She has calming techniques she is suppose to use, but she chooses not to use them.  She does her practicing while she is in therapy, to please her therapist, but will not apply them at home.  She gets that rush.  Now during her tantrums, she will straighten up when I can refocus her, but during the meltdowns that does not work.

What is the difference you ask?  A tantrum, can be redirected.  She will look at her surroundings and see who is watching her act up. The Meltdown, is almost sensory.  Her emotions or something takes over.  You will get further reasoning with a brick wall.  They get this glassy blank stare and just scream, kick, self harm or others.... till they start to calm down and realize something happened.  They stem from her not being able to verbally express herself.  There were times when she would have these issues, that I later found out she was sick, hurt, or something was wrong.

You cant reason with her or explain to her.  Like her summer reading.  She thinks grabbing a book, looking through it, counts as a mark for her reading.  I have tried to explain to her she has to read full books for 20 minutes.  But she doesn't understand that.
This girl can read.  She loves reading but there is no way she can read that fast.  I read more and I cant.  There are days that YES I can finish a 300 page book in a day, but that is only if I sit and read and do nothing.

oh well.  I do what I can as a single parent.  I have done this for 6 years, I can do it longer If needs.  This kind of leads me to another vent.... but wont worry about that till later.  Right now I'm just going to sit here and listen to the thunder and do more research and read.

Yes, its me again

I love all my friends.  I don't care what nationality, religion, race, gender, or sexuality they are.  I love them.  My pet peeve is people who are racist.  They may not think they are, but its amazing what I hear.  They may "joke" about something, but some of us do not want to hear it.  I am trying to raise my children in a world of love and support.  To not judge others...  Yet there are people out there that use derogatory remarks, or names.  They use those words even while joking.  Well there is nothing funny when you have a 9 year old asking what the word means? 

If you have an issue with things, then walk on.  I will not tolerate others who judge others lives.

Just another Sunday

Today I seem to be racked with emotions and its driving me nuts.  Right now I am sitting at the library while Evie does her 20 minutes of reading for a new sticker on her reading chart.  I figured I would bring my laptop and look for places online to live.  Yet my heart just isn't in it. 

In the past, every Sunday left me feeling whole and amazing for the new week.  Yet since coming up here I have YET to feel that.  Yes there has been some profound things that touch me from time to time, but nothing like before.  In the past there were people I knew I could call for a blessing or just someone to talk to.  Yet here, Nothing.  Apparently I have home teachers yet they never have visited or contacted me.  I have Visiting Teachers, and still nothing.  Today I just barely met the bishop of our ward, only because we had to turn in our tithing.  Never met the guy, nor spoke with him.  I feel so alone here its unreal.  A lot of the people in that ward do not know how to act around me being a divorced parent.  But oh well.

The gospel is the same no matter where you are in the world.  The people will be different, but the base of our religion is the same.  That is what I love.  I love just going and reading my scriptures or singing the hymns.  Yet today I felt none of that.  I wont let that stop me though, since I know where that feeling is coming from.

I have been reading a lot from the Tattooed Mormon (Al Fox).  If you have not read her book, I would highly suggest it.  Even if you have never heard of her, youtube her.  She has talked about many things that I have felt or even been through.  Its just nice to read about another convert and her struggles with trials and following the steps that she needs to take. I also follow her on twitter and hope to see her talk live just once. 

As you noticed my mind and thoughts are all over the place today.  Like I said there were a lot of random things going on in my mind.  Yes I am dealing with the PTSD lately.  Even though I have moved forward, its amazing what small things set me back.

What is weird, I have my EMT license.  It has never triggered my PTSD (which some people said it would).  But that position gives me a sense of direction in life.  It is where I feel blessed and strong.  It is almost like a calling.  The class was hard and as I Look back I see how far I have gone and how I passed and survived.  Not many did.  I know I would love to finish the program up here in UT, but for now with all of my daughters medical stuff, it wont be possible.


and here is where I leave you... for now.  Time to look up places to live since I need an apartment.