It is monday13th

I am sore.

For those that are not aware, Evie was diagnosed with Schizo-effective disorder with possible manic episodes.  It is a step down from Bi-polar.  I don't know how to feel about this diagnosis.  At times it answers my questions, but at times it does not.  She is also ODD (Oppositional Defiant Disorder).

There are a lot of unanswered questions that I have.  One of the reasons we moved to Utah, was so I could find those answers.  Up here they have a better pediatric behavioral health program.  I am just hoping to get answers to questions about certain behaviors she still has.

At times she seems like a 3 year old trapped in a 9 year olds body.  There are days where she seems fine but there are many days she seems like a young toddler.  These are the questions that I have still.  Her diagnosis does not explain this or why she cannot express herself verbally.  There are days her meltdowns are from being told she cannot do something, and there are times they come from her not feeling well and not able to verbally express that. 

Last night she had one of those meltdowns.  She wanted to bake a cake and I told her it was too late.  Well before I knew it, she started the process and had made a huge mess. Well I asked her to clean it up and she refused.  So you can see where this is going.  I ended up having to clean the mess before the roommate came home.  After that, she still had her aggression and anger.  So there I ended up dealing with that.  Yes I tried ignoring it and was talking on the phone with my parents and my other daughter.  Her anger got worse.  She was trying to push my buttons to get me to act out.  So needless to say she ended up causing me physical pain.  I am hoping that she didn't cause serious problems.  s she is getting bigger (9 years old, 4'7", 130 lbs). You may ask why I don't punish her?  Well there is a history with that. ...

I have always made sure I made a big deal when she did something good.  I made sure I praised her for her good behaviors and deeds.  Yet for her the negative is what fuels her.  The one time I spanked her (not hard), she lied to her teacher.  And from there on she saw the attention she was getting from her teacher through her stories and lies.  It took awhile for her to understand the damage it caused.  It triggered my PTSD. Every-time an unknown phone number popped up on my phone my anxiety kicked in.  When I saw her teacher or the school calling, it triggered.

She has calming techniques she is suppose to use, but she chooses not to use them.  She does her practicing while she is in therapy, to please her therapist, but will not apply them at home.  She gets that rush.  Now during her tantrums, she will straighten up when I can refocus her, but during the meltdowns that does not work.

What is the difference you ask?  A tantrum, can be redirected.  She will look at her surroundings and see who is watching her act up. The Meltdown, is almost sensory.  Her emotions or something takes over.  You will get further reasoning with a brick wall.  They get this glassy blank stare and just scream, kick, self harm or others.... till they start to calm down and realize something happened.  They stem from her not being able to verbally express herself.  There were times when she would have these issues, that I later found out she was sick, hurt, or something was wrong.

You cant reason with her or explain to her.  Like her summer reading.  She thinks grabbing a book, looking through it, counts as a mark for her reading.  I have tried to explain to her she has to read full books for 20 minutes.  But she doesn't understand that.
This girl can read.  She loves reading but there is no way she can read that fast.  I read more and I cant.  There are days that YES I can finish a 300 page book in a day, but that is only if I sit and read and do nothing.

oh well.  I do what I can as a single parent.  I have done this for 6 years, I can do it longer If needs.  This kind of leads me to another vent.... but wont worry about that till later.  Right now I'm just going to sit here and listen to the thunder and do more research and read.