Today I seem to be racked with emotions and its driving me nuts. Right now I am sitting at the library while Evie does her 20 minutes of reading for a new sticker on her reading chart. I figured I would bring my laptop and look for places online to live. Yet my heart just isn't in it.
In the past, every Sunday left me feeling whole and amazing for the new week. Yet since coming up here I have YET to feel that. Yes there has been some profound things that touch me from time to time, but nothing like before. In the past there were people I knew I could call for a blessing or just someone to talk to. Yet here, Nothing. Apparently I have home teachers yet they never have visited or contacted me. I have Visiting Teachers, and still nothing. Today I just barely met the bishop of our ward, only because we had to turn in our tithing. Never met the guy, nor spoke with him. I feel so alone here its unreal. A lot of the people in that ward do not know how to act around me being a divorced parent. But oh well.
The gospel is the same no matter where you are in the world. The people will be different, but the base of our religion is the same. That is what I love. I love just going and reading my scriptures or singing the hymns. Yet today I felt none of that. I wont let that stop me though, since I know where that feeling is coming from.
I have been reading a lot from the Tattooed Mormon (Al Fox). If you have not read her book, I would highly suggest it. Even if you have never heard of her, youtube her. She has talked about many things that I have felt or even been through. Its just nice to read about another convert and her struggles with trials and following the steps that she needs to take. I also follow her on twitter and hope to see her talk live just once.
As you noticed my mind and thoughts are all over the place today. Like I said there were a lot of random things going on in my mind. Yes I am dealing with the PTSD lately. Even though I have moved forward, its amazing what small things set me back.
What is weird, I have my EMT license. It has never triggered my PTSD (which some people said it would). But that position gives me a sense of direction in life. It is where I feel blessed and strong. It is almost like a calling. The class was hard and as I Look back I see how far I have gone and how I passed and survived. Not many did. I know I would love to finish the program up here in UT, but for now with all of my daughters medical stuff, it wont be possible.
and here is where I leave you... for now. Time to look up places to live since I need an apartment.
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