Today I think was triggered. I have been working with the Department of Workforce for assistance with a lot of Evies medical stuff (Medicaid) and looking for work. Well the good thing about UT, is you can meet with a therapist and get referred to a program to help keep things under control. At first when they had suggested it, I wanted to tell them they were wrong, that I was fine and cured. But deep down I knew that it was a false sense of security. So I met with the lady today. We had a nice talk and she asked some questions that I did not want to answer, but I did. So yes emotions were a little rocky. She does believe I will benefit from the program and is making the referral over to a place there off Redwood Rd.
Now many people may think that my PTSD started with my marriage. But it didn't. There are many people that are in denial from where it originally started from, but from talking about it today, helped and knowing what was said was the truth.
... The truth is, I am a broken soul. I was before I met my ex husband. I was before I moved up to UT 17 years ago. I didn't know who I was, or how to think for myself. Everything thing was made for me, choices, decisions. Reason I had an issue with HS and College (the first time around)... was because I couldn't think. I hated life. I wanted to run away but I stayed. It took forever for me to move through those emotions and finding excuses for why I was treated the way I was. I had a boss that saw it. But there again, I ignored the fact and just kept going along with it. So you see a pattern? There are many in abusive relationships (and yes not always marriage) that find excuses for behavior, listen to what is being said about them and believing it.
Well today I finally talked to someone about that life. It was nice letting someone just listen and not say "Oh I don't think that happened...." or "That person is so nice, are you sure it wasn't medical?" So yea sometimes a strangers ears are better for some things.
I don't hate or resent the person who started all this. I have learned to look past it and deal with it. Now the person does have some medical issues that causes issues so yes it is an excuse. But I don't care. I have learned to forgive, but it doesn't not mean you forget. You never forget the emotional feelings from being degraded. you don't forget how it feels to be worthless and believing that you are nothing. Some may not understand how this can happen, surely the person will just ignore and shrug their shoulders? Well it isn't like that. Over and over, time after time, you hear the same thing and deal with the same thing, so yes after awhile you do believe that it is true.
So that is all how it started. 15 years ago I had found a perfect person. Perfect in my eyes, he was kind, loving, sweet, and a gentleman. So I figured he was too good to be true. I was not used to having someone that loving and nice. We went our separate ways, only because I kept pushing him away from me.
So now this is also why I am so picky when it comes to falling in love. To protect myself. And with days and times like today, it just is better to be alone rather then with another adult. So another reason I had decided it was time to work on my issues.... So I could function as an adult. The way I handled all those emotions was just ignore it and do or others and stay busy. I never put myself first nor did I care. All that took a tole out on my health. It is time I deal with this and heal... so I can take care of myself. Up till getting this help, everything I have ever done, I did for my kids. I would NOT take time for myself. I made sure my kids always was first... in fact there was no "amy". Just the mom who loves her kids and refused to deal with emotions.
Well I am rediscovering myself and hopefully discover how to help me.....
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