in the need of a back rub

Let me tell you my lower back is killing me.  Today has been insane!  With the EMT stuff I was constantly on the move so I never had issues with back, but this job I am standing there for almost 8 hours and yikes.  Even with my boots, my feet and back hurts.

Tonight at least I can sit down some even if its in front of the computer.  Things have been steady and not to bad.  I made my calls and now waiting for a call back from one of my favorite coworkers.  This guy really cracks me up.  He has a way of starting off the conversations with a joke or something off the wall. 

Anyways back to work... I also feel like baking either a chocolate cake or chocolate chip cookies...

... dang diet. Must have willpower

a day of nothing

Well I had hoped both kiddos would have cleaned their room so we could go out and do things, but nope.  So their punishment was mine as well.  I had to deal with 2 children having tantrums and fighting, however I stuck to my decision and we stayed home.  I am hoping they understand why I made that choice.  It killed me with it being my day off, but I forced myself to stay.  Ended up scrubbing the kitchen floor and cabinets.  I tried to read, but it was hard to just sit and relax.

Tomorrow through Saturday I work 2 jobs back to back starting at 10am.  I hope the new work schedule will be up by tomorrow.  I do need to find out about July 11th.  I finally got an appointment with Social Security for my oldest's issues.  I am hoping that I can get the help I need for her.  A friend of mine told me to just be honest with the application questions.  Also look at it this way, Will she live a normal life?  Will she be able to take care of her clothes, bathing, hair, cooking/shopping... for herself.  The answer, no.  I have to help her with a lot of things and even her last evaluation the Dr said she probably wouldn't be able to live a normal life.  Especially with all the medicine she has to take on daily basis and all the appointments she has to attend.  And here I am doing this all as a single parent.

Tonight was a quiet night at work. I made my calls and tried to work on past due bills.  One guy refuses to pay his bill because "he signed up while he was high on drugs and shouldn't be held responsible".  Seriously?  Then he asked why he cant get his TV to work, duh its disconnected because you haven't paid your bill.  ha

Anyways I better get the girls laying down soon and ready for bed.  Tomorrow will be a long day for me. 

well 1 step foward, 4 steps backwards

I am so ready for a new life.  Seriously how come I cant just trade this one in for a new one?  Ok just some of the things, not all of them. 

I guess today I'm just feeling the effects of not sleeping well.  I'm not sure what's going on but I feel like I haven't slept well.  I just need to figure out what is going on. 

Well back to work....

busy busy busy day

Well today has been an adventure...

Evies appointment went well.  Yes they went over usual calming techniques, but once again in one ear and out the other.  She refused to use any of them today.  So I had to get in between both girls several times today.

We met with the new rental place today.  I'm not holding my breath with them.  I don't know, just had some weird vibes while we were in there.  Its not that they aren't trustworthy but after all the reviews I read, I am seeing the issues.  For example there is a dead tree in the front yard.  I asked if there will be something done with that since its not even standing very well and one good windstorm can be an issue.  It is close to the house and yes it does lean towards that way.  Well one lady did not know about the tree issue, but the other lady said, "Oh yeah, I guess we are still waiting for them to decide".  Ok who is them?  and decide what?  I do know enough about rental insurance to know that with that tree, we will have issues getting coverage.  If it was to blow over or catch on fire, then yea. I did express my concerns to them and one lady was looking at her nails picking at it, the other lady was chomping (and I mean think of a cow) on gum.  Not to professional.  So we'll see.  All I know is I need to get a place with enough rooms so the girls do NOT have to share.

Then after that, came home and yes the girls started back up again.  Well I finally got them to relax and I was able to lay down while the laundry was going.  I was able to nap finally, but woke to a scream.  A mirror fell on Natalie (and how the mirror did NOT break is strange).  But it scratched her up and her wrist started to swell.  So got both girls ready, ran to the urgent care here and got it looked at.  Luckily nothing is broken but she is sore.  The nurse when ahead and cleaned up the scrapes and scratches.  I barely made it back home before my 2nd job started and I was getting calls to run orders.  My phone has been ringing off the hook. 

Well it has finally slowed down some, just in between orders at the moment.  Girls have settled down for a small time, only because one is playing and the other is watching a dvd.

But on the bright side, seems a lot of the employees are pushing for me to stay on past seasonal work.  I am seriously looking into it.  The closing manager last night gave me some paperwork and a study guide to learn Front End Supervision.  It isn't a huge promotion but it is a step up and it will add more to my position,  Plus if I pass all the study stuff then I will have a better chance of staying on past seasonal.  It would be nice to be able to stay since I really like a lot of the people that I work with there.  I am still meeting a lot of them, but its going well.

Well that is about it really. I have a few other things to do before bedtime tonight but just no energy to get any of it done at the moment.  Oh well I need to do what I need to do

new outlook

A friend sent this quote to me after what happened yesterday.  I settled down and found it in me to forgive that lady.  As stated, each situation is unique and each mother has different challenges.  My challenges are not what she has to face.  She does not understand what my child's medical needs are and yes she judged us wrongly on it.  I should not have allowed my anger to kick in like it had.  I guess when it comes to my children, I do turn into mama bear.  It hurts me that she wont allow her children to play with my girls, but its her choice.  I am dealing with my girls being upset but we will find a way around this. 

What does bother me is people out there that believe their children will "Catch" this kind of stuff.  It bothers me that people do believe this thought.  Evies best friend back home has Down Syndrome.  It never bothered me once or the other mom.  In fact it was a great support for us... especially for me.  It kills me though to see my daughter want to play with friends, and the parents not allowing it.  She doesn't understand why they cant, and really I don't know how to tell her.  I don't know if I should.  Here is where I am stuck.  But seeing her longing for playmates (that are not mommy or sister), it hurts me.

The person that had originally suggested this lady, still does not know what was said.  Right now I don't want to tell him.  One I don't want to drag him in the middle, and two, I want this behind me.  However, July 3rd they do fireworks and he invited the girls and I to go.  I am HOPING that I am off that night so I can find an excuse.  I know that sounds bad but I don't want to go.  For Evie seeing that little girl and wanting to play with her (since they live right across the street from my friend) would  be too hard.  So I am waiting to see if I have to work either job.  I do hope I have my evening job at least, that way the girls and I can stay home and relax.. who knows.  I just don't want to go.  I don't know if seeing her would make me angry again and I really do not want to deal with that.  I am trying to get passed that and love my daughters.

ugh.. why me

Yeah I should be happy, feeling giddy, and all those amazing feelings.  But I don't.  Right now I'm just too tired still.  I suppose stress has really been kicking my butt lately and driving me nuts.

I think of all those walls that I had developed over the past 6 years and how it shut everyone out and all emotions and feelings off.  Well I thought I was past that by now, but I am not.  I need a blessing at this moment.  I don't have Home Teachers ..... ok that is not true.  I have some assigned yet they have NOT came by to see us or contacted us in anyway.  Being a single woman, with NO priesthood in my family, you would think this would be one of the reasons to make sure I get someone, but nope...

But seriously, as I look at what is on my hand  I am starting to question a lot of feelings, emotions, what is right and what is wrong.  Guess my ex really messed me up hu?

But seriously I am battling these emotions right now and its driving me nuts.  I need to figure out what is going on and what I need to do.  My girls LOVE him, and I know that means something.  There have been many times that Evie would say something in the past and later I wondered if she had received some personal revelation on the issue or what?  Does that make sense?

Anyways I have a long day today.  I have to hit the grocery store, return library stuff, then work from 11 till 6 today with the data job.  So at least I can stay home, get some cleaning and laundry done.

Major vent

OK,  So Tuesday I had a sitter lined up and yea she had kids... offered to help... blah blah blah.  I explained that I do have special needs child and yepp she was fine with that and "could handle it". 

Well today I found out that she couldn't.  She did NOT call me or text me... Rather called a friends MOM and explained that she could not handle the girls and that they were "undisciplined and saying one is special needs is an excuse to allow her to get away with a lot of things".  OK that day she said "oh they were fine, yea I had to separate the girls once..."

So yea this mama is PISSED!!!  And right now if anyone is offended by that word, oh well.  But I am seeing red!!!  Lady if you even tried to walk in my shoes, you would have given up LONG TIME AGO!!!!  I doubt you would have lasted 2 steps.

yeah... I'm done.

This mommy needs a kid free vacation

I am drained!!!  Ok that doesn't even cover it. 

Let me explain the day....

So no sitter... I have one friend who offers but she lives about 50 mins north of here (yes minutes via freeway).  She is the only one offering to help.  NO help from the ward. No other help.  The other person I used, well lets just say she cant handle the girls when they get on each others nerves.  Yes they are fighting again.  They are picking on each other again.  I am EXHAUSTED

I just deleted a whole paragraph because I just needed to vent it out... and I didn't need to hang dirty laundry here.  So I will try again.  I just don't want to be the adult at this moment and want to relax and watch tv.  That would be amazing.

Anyways I'm waiting for work to call me back with an order.  They have been busy today with all the orders and my phone has been going off a lot.  And it always seemed to happen around dinner time.  My luck lol.  oh well.  This job is great since I can be home to work and spend that time with my kids, as well as clean, laundry, house work, and play warden to them.  I just wish it either paid more or offered more hours.  There are days I don't think it is possible to work as much as I am and be the mom the girls need.  I hate being that mom that has to work all the time  I just wish I didn't have to.  However, he told me that I need to pay half of the rent. ugh.

well back to work now.

Tired doesn't even cover it

Today I worked just 4 hours on register.  I have to admit it went pretty ok.  A few customers really complimented me on my smile and how nice I was... IN front of the GM :-)  So I suppose that's good.  All I have to say, is its a good thing I had my EMT boots on lol  my feet yesterday were killing me and today they helped.  I was buddied with a trainer and she said I was picking up pretty fast.  Yepp. Just need to get my timing down.  You have so many seconds in-between customers and during sales.  Yea between my scanner giving me issues and then trying to take off the sensors lol I don't think I did that great.  But I did improve on speed some.  Now I just need to get the bagging part down.. lol the plastic bags hated me today.

The girls are another story.  I seriously do not know what to do with them.  I do question military school.  Natalie keeps arguing and egging Evie on.  Then Evie gets where she fights.  I am seriously exhausted from all this fighting.  You would think after 2 months things between them would have been different but nope.  It is like they were never apart. 

Once again single parenting is for the birds.  I need a live in person to help cook, watch the girls, clean, laundry... so basically I need a wife lol (that is what a friend of mine said).  But also someone who is good at giving neck rubs would be awesome!! (ok and maybe some back massages).

anyways I'll be back later, time to make some calls for work and get some data entry done

Did you miss me?

Well we made it back yesterday.  Let me just say its amazing we all survived the trip back.  I forgot how the girls behaved with each other.  30 minutes into the trip back, I had to pull over and make Evie get in the front seat to separate them.  Then they would argue and yell... yeah.   So I figured they were just tired.  Last night Evie slept in her room and Nat with me.  Well this morning things were just as bad.

I seriously don't know what to do!!!  Both girls have been so used to being away from each other and now that they are back together its just fighting after fighting.  Nat will pick on Evie.  Evie will lose her control and go after Nat.  This is where I am feeling the effects of being 400 miles away from my parents.  In the past, one of the girls would go with my parents or stay the night there and just get a break.  well now we cant do that.

Don't get me wrong, there are days they do great.  One of the moments today, we went to the library and Evie had fun teaching Natalie about the activities and how to use the library computers.  They had fun.  Then as soon as well were ready to leave there... it started up again.  I'm sure that they will outgrow this... but why cant it be NOW?

Let me tell you Single parenting kids like this (especially with a special needs child) is for the pits.  What I need is someone to move in and help with housework, cooking, keeping kids busy, and offering me neck massages lol That sounds like heaven.  But more or less be there to help when the girls start acting up.  When those two go at it, it is a two adult job.

Oh well.

Another update, I did NOT take the full time job.  You might think I am crazy for this but I do have my reasons.  I did however take the parttime job that will work with my other job.  I may not get the same days off, but they will work with each other and I only have to find a sitter for the hours I work at the store.  This also will give me a little extra spending so I can take the class that I do need to transfer my EMT.

Anyways it is about bed time for me.  I need to finish some documenting for work then I am going to fall asleep.  Tomorrow I'm working 10 - 2.  Then 6 - 9 (2nd job).  I can do this

Mommy moment

I did it! I cut my hair!!  6 inches cut from the length... ha I didn't realize it was that long, but apparently you forget when all you do is put it up in a ponytail.  I have to admit I kind of miss the hair, but with this heat and humidity, forget it, this look is cooler (literally).

Well we went to get kiddo's lab results. They are good.  Her lithium level is still on the low side, but they aren't surprised.  That is one thing I hope to get changed when I can. Her panels are great, however she is still anemic.  But they said that is expected with the medication she is on.  Today has been a little rough with her, but she is getting there.  Just will take time to get her past the defiancy and do what she needs to do. 

As for me, I am doing good just really tired today.  Seems like there is so much to get done before my other kiddo comes up.  We managed to clean and rearrange the room, however E ended up throwing down all the clean clothes I washed, so after this I will be going in there and helping her hang things up.  There is still another load in the dryer a well.  Yepp she hasn't worn that many clothes, just threw them on the floor or under the bed.

I am still trying to figure out the work situation.  Do I take the full time job??  Or do I take the other part time job and keep this job with it??  Choices!!!  I need to figure it out and just go with it.  Seriously where was this part time job like 3 weeks ago, or longer?  HA! That would have been great.  But here I am trying to decide.

awww well back to work.... got a call coming in

when it rains, it pours

I have came to the conclusion that I am not ment to have the blessings I believe I am entitled to.  I am so ready to just crawl in bed and sleep till my kiddo's are old enough to stay home and take care of themselves.  Yeah right.

So that job that I start on Monday?  Well here is the kicker, I had received another call from another job offering me a position.  Part time but will work with the current job.  Well I had already received the job that was full time.  I had someone lined up to watch the girls from 11:30 - 5pm.  HOWEVER today I received the news that she will not be able to watch them.  Actually it is a very good excuse, poor lady is pregnant with her 2nd child, and having severe complications.  I told her no worries and gave her my well wishes.  Here it is, Friday - no one to watch my kiddos so I can go work and provide a living.

I'm telling you this single parenting is for the birds.  My ex provides nothing (well duh, he is currently re-incarcerated in the Department of corrections again).  Reason I have full custody.  Yet I am expected to support my girls on my salary but heaven forbid, there might be a program out there provided to help single parents. (yes I checked.)  Now if I was unemployed there are programs, but here I am trying to work and nothing.  Is it me or is the government screwed up?? 

Yes I know women who complain they have to go in the workforce after being a Stay at home parent for a few years. They expect their ex spouses to provide for them to stay home and continue to do all this.  Ummm not this chick.  I have always worked.  I have always pulled my weight (and a lot of times more than) to provide.  Yet there are people out there that are ABLE to work and choose not to.  Give me a break.

Like today, I started to ponder something as I took my normal route to run errands.  There is this couple that stands on the corner every day... 8- 12 hrs a day.  Asking for handouts, saying they are homeless.  OK during this time they can get work, they can work a job.   Yet they want to receive the easy way out. Dumb.  This may sound heartless, but up here there are amazing programs that are set up to help the homeless get off the streets, earn job skills and help them find means to sustain themselves.  Yet there are people that want the easy money, not work for it, and probably using that money for something illegal. 

Yes back home there was a lot of homelessness always begging.  The problem with that, is many were already drunk, drugged... ect.  Where I lived was in a rural area and unfortunately there was a lot of alcoholism among the crowd. Here is the same.  But back home when people asked for money, they usually settled for food if you offered it.  Here, I saw someone offer a guy food, and the guy had a fit and said no he would rather the money and get his own food. 

anyways I am venturing off on another subject.  I guess today has just been one of those days.

1 step forward, 9 steps back... story of my life

Sheesh

Ok this one coworker will not take a clue!!  He keeps asking to "hang out" in other ways.  I finally told him I was flattered but not interested.  So he replies (i kid you not) "When you are ready sugar. Remember I am the perfect speciman of male and will treat you especially well if you get the reason."

I keep thinking of the show Beauty and the Beast, and Gaston comes to mind. This guy is so full of himself it is unreal.  Sad thing is it works for him.  I guess he had a relationship with another coworker and it was within 2 days of her being hired that they slept with each other.  And yes he told the boss about it. Dumb.  This lady has since quit the job but they just hired another female and im questioning how that will go.  My boss's wife said she warned her that being a female the guys will hit on her.  Apparently shes a tough cookie, Hope so.

Also I know what has been going on with me lately.  Seems like something has not been right.  Well today I started to get a small backache right over my right kidney, Not cool.  So drinking a lot of water right now and going to see the DR tomorrow if it doesn't get better.  Anyone who knows me, knows I dont handle being sick.  Hopefully it's nothing and just goes away :-)

One of the things I did want to talk about is about the single parenting of a special needs child.  It is exhausting.  Sure I have always placed myself of the back burner to put both of my childrens needs before mine. But with a special needs child, it is worse.  With my other daughter, she knows when mommy needs some time to rest or needs to sit down.  With Evie, she does not understand this.  I am constantly doing something with her, or watching her.  Just keeping an eye on her.  It is always just go go go.  Right now, even though I am sitting down at work waiting for another order to come in, I am still working with her.  I still get up and help her with her room, deal with her over my shoulder, she keeps me busy with helping her read, or working on things. And after this weekend, it will be me and 2 kids again.  But I do have the help of a friend with that.  Both girls love him to pieces and Im sure they will wear him out!

Real quick

My other kiddo will be up here this weekend!!!!  I am super excited about this. 

I have to say the part about this move that has been the hardest for me is leaving her with my parents.  They didn't mind and trust me she gets spoiled rotten.  But she was able to finish the 3 weeks of school there and go fishing, riding a tractor, panning for gold, water balloon fights, eating out with my parents, swimming, playing with her cousins cat, bugging her cousin, and just having fun.

It also gave me a chance to get Evie established up here and ready for all her medical stuff.  So far she is doing better.  Yesterday she had a bit of an sensory meltdown, but luckily I was able to head it off somewhat.  She was a bit emotional and a lot of the other children at the splash pad was not sure what to make of her.  But I don't care. 

Today shes doing great. I do believe she has rediscovered her love of yoga (ok I hope she has).  We'll see.  I know that it will help her whens he feels overwhelmed.  Just need to get it better in control.

Also my thoughts about today, Do I cut my hair?  Seriously I have not had it this long in a LONG time.  Yes it is long enough to pull back in a rubber band, but in this heat its driving me NUTS.  Hmmm we'll see.

Also I know a few of my friends that have been reading this is worried about me.  Trust me when I say things are going good.  Writing has always been a great way of releasing everything from me.  Plus you must endure the trials to find the blessings.  Also I have figured out what I want to do.  I was looking at the full paramedic program here and it will be a bit more attainable for me.  So I am looking at the goals I need to accomplish to make that happen.  Yes I want to do my EMT thing again.  I guess im crazy when I say I LOVED it.  It was hard, but knowing that I was there to help others no matter the situation is what I miss.  So yes I will be working behind a desk for awhile at this job, however they also have a tuition program that will help with school.  So yes this girl is going to get back on TRACK!!!!

Anyways I best get going, Evie's yoga class is almost done and we have to run some errands before I do work tonight.  She ran out of bubble bath (yes in our house that is severe) but she managed a bath last night without it.  HOWEVER I do need to remedy the situation and get some today.

adios

hobbies

With all this talk about my PTSD and things, I haven't given much thought to my old hobbies.  I do hope to start them back up when I get the chance.  I remember there were things that I LOVED to do that I have either lost interest or the time to do them.

I want to start crocheting again.  I was doing that for awhile before the move, well then you can imagine the craziness.  I don't even know where my needles are.  I gave away a lot of my yarn but I did keep a few colors.  It would give my hands something to do and might make a great stress release.

Writing.  I used to love doing creative writing.  I had to do some for an English class a couple of years ago and it fed my passion.  Well there again I just haven't had the time to sit down and do that stuff.  I had a few stories on a Jump drive at one time, however someone stole it. grrrr.  I remember those ideas but to redo them again will be a pain.  I will find a time when I can I know.

However it wont be for awhile that I can start a lot of this.  This weekend I am going halfway to meet up with my parents to pick up my youngest daughter.  Then if I accept it, Monday I start a new job that will be full time.  The days off will not be together so I just will have to see what I can do.

One of the things I used to like doing, was watching movies.  I still cant sit still to watch anything.  HA you would think I would be able to... but right now nothing sounds good to me.  Oh well... just going to take it slow.

Once again I have a lot of thoughts going through my mind today.  Maybe that's why it seems I'm bouncing between everything.

Is it bed time yet?

I am BEYOND tired t the moment and my work shift just started.  Not sure what is going on, it could be a series of things at the moment.  My guess?  the mix of stress and PTSD.  There are days where I feel great and days like today, where I can just sleep the day away.

Today I think was triggered.  I have been working with the Department of Workforce for assistance with a lot of Evies medical stuff (Medicaid) and looking for work.  Well the good thing about UT, is you can meet with a therapist and get referred to a program to help keep things under control.  At first when they had suggested it, I wanted to tell them they were wrong, that I was fine and cured.  But deep down I knew that it was a false sense of security.  So I met with the lady today.  We had a nice talk and she asked some questions that I did not want to answer, but I did.  So yes emotions were a little rocky.  She does believe I will benefit from the program and is making the referral over to a place there off Redwood Rd.

Now many people may think that my PTSD started with my marriage.  But it didn't.  There are many people that are in denial from where it originally started from, but from talking about it today, helped and knowing what was said was the truth.

... The truth is, I am a broken soul.  I was before I met my ex husband.  I was before I moved up to UT 17 years ago.  I didn't know who I was, or how to think for myself.  Everything thing was made for me, choices, decisions.  Reason I had an issue with HS and College (the first time around)... was because I couldn't think.  I hated life.  I wanted to run away but I stayed.  It took forever for me to move through those emotions and finding excuses for why I was treated the way I was.  I had a boss that saw it.  But there again, I ignored the fact and just kept going along with it.  So you see a pattern?  There are many in abusive relationships (and yes not always marriage) that find excuses for behavior, listen to what is being said about them and believing it. 

Well today I finally talked to someone about that life.  It was nice letting someone just listen and not say "Oh I don't think that happened...." or "That person is so nice, are you sure it wasn't medical?"  So yea sometimes a strangers ears are better for some things.

I don't hate or resent the person who started all this.  I have learned to look past it and deal with it.  Now the person does have some medical issues that causes issues so yes it is an excuse.  But I don't care.  I have learned to forgive, but it doesn't not mean you forget.  You never forget the emotional feelings from being degraded.  you don't forget how it feels to be worthless and believing that you are nothing.  Some may not understand how this can happen, surely the person will just ignore and shrug their shoulders?  Well it isn't like that.  Over and over, time after time, you hear the same thing and deal with the same thing, so yes after awhile you do believe that it is true.

So that is all how it started.  15 years ago I had found a perfect person.  Perfect in my eyes, he was kind, loving, sweet, and a gentleman.  So I figured he was too good to be true.  I was not used to having someone that loving and nice.  We went our separate ways, only because I kept pushing him away from me. 

So now this is also why I am so picky when it comes to falling in love.  To protect myself.  And with days and times like today, it just is better to be alone rather then with another adult.  So another reason I had decided it was time to work on my issues.... So I could function as an adult.  The way I handled all those emotions was just ignore it and do or others and stay busy.  I never put myself first nor did I care. All that took a tole out on my health.  It is time I deal with this and heal... so I can take care of myself.  Up till getting this help, everything I have ever done, I did for my kids.  I would NOT take time for myself.  I made sure my kids always was first... in fact there was no "amy".  Just the mom who loves her kids and refused to deal with emotions.

Well I am rediscovering myself and hopefully discover how to help me.....

Yes it is me again.....

Nightly vent....

This one coworker of mine.  He calls me to run an order, which is fine, that is what I am paid to do.  Yet he just keeps hitting on me like mad.  I am NOT interested. First of all he is into more of a physical aspect if you get my drift.  I'm not.  I want a real relationship that I know is based off other things then just that.  Well tonight he asked me to dinner this weekend, I kindly told him no.  He then texted me and said "Anytime you want to hang out and do adult things hit me up".  UGH!!!!  Yes I am sure there are women that will fall for that, but I am not that one. 

The other lady I work with, has not had an issue with him yet.  She was being asked out by someone else but not him.  She laughed and said that I was "lucky".  Umm once again no.  This just goes to show that there is temptation everywhere.  I just need to better prepare myself to not give in to it.

Like I have said, my life is not perfect.  I am far from it.  But I do kind of know what I am looking for in a relationship (ok once I get over my commitment fear). 

My list:

Strong in the gospel (but doesn't need to be perfect)

Someone who respects their priesthood

Faithfull

Loves children

Supportive

Financial supportive (as in pulls weight, I supported my ex and don't want to do that again)

Does this person exist?  I don't know. There are times I believe my list is so long once again to protect myself.

part deux

I'm taking a small break from work.  Just thinking about something....

Ok so the new ward I moved into (as you have already read about) it hasn't been to great.  Well last night my kiddo needed a blessing after her meltdown.  I called around and nothing.  So I called one of my dear guy friends (he lives in another part of SLC) and explained the situation to him.  He came over and talked to her about her actions and things that were going on.  I do question if he understands her issues are more mental then anything else.  But either way she settled down and l hugged him.

So here is the situation.... both of my girls love him. Natalie just adores him like you wouldn't believe it.  She hasn't had a father figure in her life pretty much since she was 6 months old.  So the "dad" thing is new to her.  Don't get me wrong, she has had male influences in her life but that has been my younger brother, my dad, my ex husbands dad and some male teachers.  That's it.

My worries is they will get hurt.  And I don't mean by him.  I trust him... but I also know how I am with relationships right now.  I have a tendency to push people away, not wanting to deal with it.  I don't want to push him away where he is no longer in their lives, but at the same time I want to figure out things.  I know his feelings for me are strong.  But after having years of building up walls and not allowing any of those feelings or emotions in, it scares me.

I do find faults and even though I have not expressed those to him (yes I know I shouldn't) but there are things that just eat at me.  I vowed that when I was ready for a relationship that they would not be anything like my ex, strong in the gospel, great example, be able to take me to the temple....  nothing physical.  I don't know.  I guess I am scared to open my mind and heart after all these years.

but on the bright side... it has been raining here and the temp hasn't been to bad.  Yeah the kiddo has been going stir crazy being stuck in the house, but hey we are finding ways of keeping her happy.  Actually we did check out some movies from the library so she has been indulging herself with that.  Lately she has been watching a lot of Mythbusters.  I figured its not SpongeBob cartoons.

It is monday13th

I am sore.

For those that are not aware, Evie was diagnosed with Schizo-effective disorder with possible manic episodes.  It is a step down from Bi-polar.  I don't know how to feel about this diagnosis.  At times it answers my questions, but at times it does not.  She is also ODD (Oppositional Defiant Disorder).

There are a lot of unanswered questions that I have.  One of the reasons we moved to Utah, was so I could find those answers.  Up here they have a better pediatric behavioral health program.  I am just hoping to get answers to questions about certain behaviors she still has.

At times she seems like a 3 year old trapped in a 9 year olds body.  There are days where she seems fine but there are many days she seems like a young toddler.  These are the questions that I have still.  Her diagnosis does not explain this or why she cannot express herself verbally.  There are days her meltdowns are from being told she cannot do something, and there are times they come from her not feeling well and not able to verbally express that. 

Last night she had one of those meltdowns.  She wanted to bake a cake and I told her it was too late.  Well before I knew it, she started the process and had made a huge mess. Well I asked her to clean it up and she refused.  So you can see where this is going.  I ended up having to clean the mess before the roommate came home.  After that, she still had her aggression and anger.  So there I ended up dealing with that.  Yes I tried ignoring it and was talking on the phone with my parents and my other daughter.  Her anger got worse.  She was trying to push my buttons to get me to act out.  So needless to say she ended up causing me physical pain.  I am hoping that she didn't cause serious problems.  s she is getting bigger (9 years old, 4'7", 130 lbs). You may ask why I don't punish her?  Well there is a history with that. ...

I have always made sure I made a big deal when she did something good.  I made sure I praised her for her good behaviors and deeds.  Yet for her the negative is what fuels her.  The one time I spanked her (not hard), she lied to her teacher.  And from there on she saw the attention she was getting from her teacher through her stories and lies.  It took awhile for her to understand the damage it caused.  It triggered my PTSD. Every-time an unknown phone number popped up on my phone my anxiety kicked in.  When I saw her teacher or the school calling, it triggered.

She has calming techniques she is suppose to use, but she chooses not to use them.  She does her practicing while she is in therapy, to please her therapist, but will not apply them at home.  She gets that rush.  Now during her tantrums, she will straighten up when I can refocus her, but during the meltdowns that does not work.

What is the difference you ask?  A tantrum, can be redirected.  She will look at her surroundings and see who is watching her act up. The Meltdown, is almost sensory.  Her emotions or something takes over.  You will get further reasoning with a brick wall.  They get this glassy blank stare and just scream, kick, self harm or others.... till they start to calm down and realize something happened.  They stem from her not being able to verbally express herself.  There were times when she would have these issues, that I later found out she was sick, hurt, or something was wrong.

You cant reason with her or explain to her.  Like her summer reading.  She thinks grabbing a book, looking through it, counts as a mark for her reading.  I have tried to explain to her she has to read full books for 20 minutes.  But she doesn't understand that.
This girl can read.  She loves reading but there is no way she can read that fast.  I read more and I cant.  There are days that YES I can finish a 300 page book in a day, but that is only if I sit and read and do nothing.

oh well.  I do what I can as a single parent.  I have done this for 6 years, I can do it longer If needs.  This kind of leads me to another vent.... but wont worry about that till later.  Right now I'm just going to sit here and listen to the thunder and do more research and read.

Yes, its me again

I love all my friends.  I don't care what nationality, religion, race, gender, or sexuality they are.  I love them.  My pet peeve is people who are racist.  They may not think they are, but its amazing what I hear.  They may "joke" about something, but some of us do not want to hear it.  I am trying to raise my children in a world of love and support.  To not judge others...  Yet there are people out there that use derogatory remarks, or names.  They use those words even while joking.  Well there is nothing funny when you have a 9 year old asking what the word means? 

If you have an issue with things, then walk on.  I will not tolerate others who judge others lives.

Just another Sunday

Today I seem to be racked with emotions and its driving me nuts.  Right now I am sitting at the library while Evie does her 20 minutes of reading for a new sticker on her reading chart.  I figured I would bring my laptop and look for places online to live.  Yet my heart just isn't in it. 

In the past, every Sunday left me feeling whole and amazing for the new week.  Yet since coming up here I have YET to feel that.  Yes there has been some profound things that touch me from time to time, but nothing like before.  In the past there were people I knew I could call for a blessing or just someone to talk to.  Yet here, Nothing.  Apparently I have home teachers yet they never have visited or contacted me.  I have Visiting Teachers, and still nothing.  Today I just barely met the bishop of our ward, only because we had to turn in our tithing.  Never met the guy, nor spoke with him.  I feel so alone here its unreal.  A lot of the people in that ward do not know how to act around me being a divorced parent.  But oh well.

The gospel is the same no matter where you are in the world.  The people will be different, but the base of our religion is the same.  That is what I love.  I love just going and reading my scriptures or singing the hymns.  Yet today I felt none of that.  I wont let that stop me though, since I know where that feeling is coming from.

I have been reading a lot from the Tattooed Mormon (Al Fox).  If you have not read her book, I would highly suggest it.  Even if you have never heard of her, youtube her.  She has talked about many things that I have felt or even been through.  Its just nice to read about another convert and her struggles with trials and following the steps that she needs to take. I also follow her on twitter and hope to see her talk live just once. 

As you noticed my mind and thoughts are all over the place today.  Like I said there were a lot of random things going on in my mind.  Yes I am dealing with the PTSD lately.  Even though I have moved forward, its amazing what small things set me back.

What is weird, I have my EMT license.  It has never triggered my PTSD (which some people said it would).  But that position gives me a sense of direction in life.  It is where I feel blessed and strong.  It is almost like a calling.  The class was hard and as I Look back I see how far I have gone and how I passed and survived.  Not many did.  I know I would love to finish the program up here in UT, but for now with all of my daughters medical stuff, it wont be possible.


and here is where I leave you... for now.  Time to look up places to live since I need an apartment.

Well I figured it was time to start something like this...

What to say??  Well here is a place I will be able to express myself and what is on my mind.  It has been weird being in such a large place and yet feeling so alone and too myself.  It has been a slow process to get situated but I am trying my best.

Lately I have been thinking about the differences between being here last time compared to this time.  I had lived in UT once before, about 15 years go.  I was a single, fun loving person that could work 2 jobs, go to school, and not have a care in the world.

Now here I am, a single parent with 2 children.  One is special needs (reason we moved back up here to get her the help).  So I do for my kids before myself.  Don't get me wrong I don't mind that.  I wouldn't change it for the world.  However I do miss going to activities, dancing, watching movies, and just going out and having fun without thinking about babysitters and my kids.

Just so know you, the thins I express here are just to let out what is jumbled in my mind.  It is just to express what is bottled up for so long.  I am not looking for sympathy but a pathway to escaping my inner demons.  I am far from perfect but then again who is?  I will be doing a lot of venting of feelings, thoughts, emotions, and stuff that is current as well as from the past.  It is just my way of letting go of all those bottled up things that I had no time to deal with for so long.

A little about me.  I am in my 40's.  I am a single mom (6 + years now) of 2 beautiful girls!! My life hasn't been perfect as I have stated.  I have 3 tattoos (yes real ones).  Yes I am LDS... but my path has been rocky.  I am a survivor.  I grew up dealing with a lot of emotions and issues.  My parents are great, but I was not raised by them.  I took care of my grandma through the years and yes it took a tole on me.  However when I finally graduated college I was ready to move on.  That was the first time I had moved to UT.  I wanted to get away from what I had went through, but at that time I had no idea on how to deal with the new found freedom and yet dealing with a lot of emotions.

Without going into details... I got married and we moved back to NM.  Lets just say I lost myself during those years of marriage.  Entering in that union with the emotions I had and what I had grown up with was not a good combination. 

When I say I'm a survivor, it means a lot to me.  It means I survived hell.  My marriage sucked, I was broken and didn't know what to expect in life.  I thought I could fix things, but all I did was drag myself down further till the demons took over.  After one night, I lost it.  It was like an explosion hit and a new vision hit.  I finally found the strength to leave my husband and get the help I needed.  My biggest fear at that time was being a single parent.  Yet I made that choice to be one.  I needed to be strong for my children.  I over came that fear of being the single parent and started to work on those inner demons of mine.  They are PTSD and depression.  Things are not perfect, and yes those demons still come out and want to play.  Now I know what to deal with and how to deal with them.

....... Today's mindless musings....

There is so much I want to write about.  But each day I will pick a topic to discuss and express myself.  But this past week I had went through a lot of trials.  Being LDS, we are taught to endure those trials to find the blessings.  Well let me tell you there are days you just don't want to endure anymore.  And yes this past week was one of those weeks. 

Salt Lake is such a HUGE area, and I have felt so alone lately.  It has just been Evie and I for quite some time with little adult interaction.  And by that I mean Kid free.  Don't get me wrong I love my kids, but I just miss the little "me" time that I did get before moving.  Anyways, this week has been one trial after another.  With the kiddo having her sensory meltdowns, to an issue with a job prospect (I will discuss that one at a later time).  I just felt like crying.

Well about a week ago, I started thinking about an old friend of mine from school.  I kept thinking its a huge area that I wouldn't be able to find her.  Well that feeling kept nagging at me.  I got into an old email address of mine that I had not used for a long time.  Guess what?  I found her email address!!!  So out of the blue I emailed her from my primary email.  I didn't know what to expect or if it would work.  The next day I had checked my email and there was a REPLY!!  So we emailed back and forth a few times, even texted.  We ended up meeting for lunch yesterday and wow!  That is what I needed!!!  This person was my friend starting from the 7th grade, on through college.  We lost touch with each other about 13 years ago.  But here we were sitting together and talking about our past and the fun things we used to do.  It felt great just being able to sit with someone that I knew wouldn't judge me.  Our lives took different paths but we were able to sit down like it was yesterday and just talk and laugh.

You ask why this means so much to me?  Well I don't make friends very easily.  After her and I lost touch, I made friends with another person that ment a lot to me.  We were friends for 10 years, however when I had filed for my divorce - she wasn't sure how to act around me.  I haven't heard from her since and it hurt.  So yes I do bottle myself up.  I don't have best friends but I do have a few friends that I trust, love, and know they will listen to me when I need it.  They are people that I trust when I need some advice, and they are those people that I know that wont judge me either.

Well I believe that is all I have to say at the moment.  I will try to update when I can depending on how busy life gets.