What to say?? Well here is a place I will be able to express myself and what is on my mind. It has been weird being in such a large place and yet feeling so alone and too myself. It has been a slow process to get situated but I am trying my best.
Lately I have been thinking about the differences between being here last time compared to this time. I had lived in UT once before, about 15 years go. I was a single, fun loving person that could work 2 jobs, go to school, and not have a care in the world.
Now here I am, a single parent with 2 children. One is special needs (reason we moved back up here to get her the help). So I do for my kids before myself. Don't get me wrong I don't mind that. I wouldn't change it for the world. However I do miss going to activities, dancing, watching movies, and just going out and having fun without thinking about babysitters and my kids.
Just so know you, the thins I express here are just to let out what is jumbled in my mind. It is just to express what is bottled up for so long. I am not looking for sympathy but a pathway to escaping my inner demons. I am far from perfect but then again who is? I will be doing a lot of venting of feelings, thoughts, emotions, and stuff that is current as well as from the past. It is just my way of letting go of all those bottled up things that I had no time to deal with for so long.
A little about me. I am in my 40's. I am a single mom (6 + years now) of 2 beautiful girls!! My life hasn't been perfect as I have stated. I have 3 tattoos (yes real ones). Yes I am LDS... but my path has been rocky. I am a survivor. I grew up dealing with a lot of emotions and issues. My parents are great, but I was not raised by them. I took care of my grandma through the years and yes it took a tole on me. However when I finally graduated college I was ready to move on. That was the first time I had moved to UT. I wanted to get away from what I had went through, but at that time I had no idea on how to deal with the new found freedom and yet dealing with a lot of emotions.
Without going into details... I got married and we moved back to NM. Lets just say I lost myself during those years of marriage. Entering in that union with the emotions I had and what I had grown up with was not a good combination.
When I say I'm a survivor, it means a lot to me. It means I survived hell. My marriage sucked, I was broken and didn't know what to expect in life. I thought I could fix things, but all I did was drag myself down further till the demons took over. After one night, I lost it. It was like an explosion hit and a new vision hit. I finally found the strength to leave my husband and get the help I needed. My biggest fear at that time was being a single parent. Yet I made that choice to be one. I needed to be strong for my children. I over came that fear of being the single parent and started to work on those inner demons of mine. They are PTSD and depression. Things are not perfect, and yes those demons still come out and want to play. Now I know what to deal with and how to deal with them.
....... Today's mindless musings....
There is so much I want to write about. But each day I will pick a topic to discuss and express myself. But this past week I had went through a lot of trials. Being LDS, we are taught to endure those trials to find the blessings. Well let me tell you there are days you just don't want to endure anymore. And yes this past week was one of those weeks.
Salt Lake is such a HUGE area, and I have felt so alone lately. It has just been Evie and I for quite some time with little adult interaction. And by that I mean Kid free. Don't get me wrong I love my kids, but I just miss the little "me" time that I did get before moving. Anyways, this week has been one trial after another. With the kiddo having her sensory meltdowns, to an issue with a job prospect (I will discuss that one at a later time). I just felt like crying.
Well about a week ago, I started thinking about an old friend of mine from school. I kept thinking its a huge area that I wouldn't be able to find her. Well that feeling kept nagging at me. I got into an old email address of mine that I had not used for a long time. Guess what? I found her email address!!! So out of the blue I emailed her from my primary email. I didn't know what to expect or if it would work. The next day I had checked my email and there was a REPLY!! So we emailed back and forth a few times, even texted. We ended up meeting for lunch yesterday and wow! That is what I needed!!! This person was my friend starting from the 7th grade, on through college. We lost touch with each other about 13 years ago. But here we were sitting together and talking about our past and the fun things we used to do. It felt great just being able to sit with someone that I knew wouldn't judge me. Our lives took different paths but we were able to sit down like it was yesterday and just talk and laugh.
You ask why this means so much to me? Well I don't make friends very easily. After her and I lost touch, I made friends with another person that ment a lot to me. We were friends for 10 years, however when I had filed for my divorce - she wasn't sure how to act around me. I haven't heard from her since and it hurt. So yes I do bottle myself up. I don't have best friends but I do have a few friends that I trust, love, and know they will listen to me when I need it. They are people that I trust when I need some advice, and they are those people that I know that wont judge me either.
Well I believe that is all I have to say at the moment. I will try to update when I can depending on how busy life gets.
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