I am surviving the holidays

Surprise surprise I am alive!!  So far I am surviving being alone without my children for the holidays.  I didn't think I could make it through Christmas, but I have.  Yes I was lonely and missed them, but they were just a phone call away.  I am hoping that this time will help us with each other.  I know its difficult with the girls being away from my parents as long as they are, but i do hope they see that the time they DO spend with them, balances out.

I have been working alot between both jobs, during this time.  The bad thing, is its not ME time as I kept saying it was.  I still need to find that "me" thing while living up here.  I do miss going to the gym... and yes I had thought about getting a membership up here, however I am looking at cost.  I am hoping to pay off a few more bills before I do something like that.  Also I want to see what it will cost to get the net at the apartment.  I dont have a land line phone so Im not sure if i would need to do that, but looking into ideas.

Sorry my mind and thoughts are all over the place at the moment.  Just tired and exhausted.  I do need to get to the house and clean.  But here I am sitting at the library checking email, doing my Melaleuca stuff.  yes i started that back up again.  I did notice the difference not only with the cleaning and clothes, but with the vitamins.  Im not ordering alot, just what I need to get the month through with cleaning supplies.

Lets see.... Well since my last update, I went to a movie!!!  Yes I finally treated myself to a real movie... Not just a DVD.  I went and watched Dr. Strange!!! and WOW!!!  I am in LOVE all over again.  I admit it, DeadPool was always my favorite Marvel person, but I have to admit Dr. Strange sure jumped up the ladder.  I decided I am going to add that one to my collection when it comes out.

Not much else to say... thinking about checking out some DVD's here and going home.  I just need to get the kitchen cleaned and the living room.  Figured its a start.  However i am sad, I cant find my IPOD anywhere. :-(

Today's kids

Tonight I am sitting at the local library doing some research and listening to some teenagers talking.  It is sad how they talk bad about their parents because they can't get the new IPHONE or they are not allowed to stay out past midnight on a school night.  The language they are using is just sad, especially for being in a public place not far from children.  It makes me question, where is the respect these kids have for others and for their parents?  Why is RESPECT something of the past?

I am a mother and I notice my kids press buttons with me all the time and yes it gets to me.  There is no respect there, but I am not giving up and hoping they will learn.  I do hope to teach them enough to make good choices in life, and hopefully not to follow their father's path (is incarcerated).  I hope to be the example they need but yet feel that I am failing in.  I know that I am doing better then I believe I am.  Just will take time for me to see that I am not screwing it up.

Nothing to really report about lately, just extremely tired.  Just feel like I haven't slept in a long time... hahaha yes sign im a mom.  But its more than just sleep, I am working 2 jobs and busting my hiney at both.  Just need to catch up on bills and try to save some money to the side for emergency use.  I feel bad because I haven't been able to do that, but with bills its almost impossible.  I have that fantasy that i am able to go back to school and finish my paramedic and be able to do what i want to do.  Yet as a single parent, I know that dream can not be reached at this time. Oh well. 

Anyways I am almost done with my time limit and need to get going.

Trying to feel the Christmas Spirit

Yes just call me Ms. Grinch.  With the girls fighting a lot and all of the oldest kiddos medical stuff, I just don't want to celebrate Christmas.  Yes that sounds bad but that is how I feel.  I just don't care at the moment.  I am just beyond exhausted at the moment I suppose.  Just would be nice to relax and be able to sleep and not have issues just one day!!!


I really feel both girls are not ment to behave at the same time.  Never fails, one child is good, the other acts up.  It is like the switch off. oh well. 


So yesterday, we ended up back at Children's Primary again.  Oldest had a huge meltdown (shattered a bowl.. so yea).  Im covered in bruises and scratches from the glass.  All they could say is "Yes her tummy is distended.  Lets increase her medicine and send her home".  Ok my kiddo has NOT pooped in NOW 4 days and they are cool with sending her home.  So yes this morning we had another meltdown again. 

Lets just say its a miracle I have survived this like I have.  Yet the stress just will keep adding up so it has me worried.  I need a new release but cant afford what worked in the past.  oh well.


So here I am sitting at the library, listening to Christmas music and hoping to feel the spirit and just get in the mood.  Just will be awhile before I can I suppose.  Maybe once I get the apartment cleaned up better and move a few things around I will feel better.

just relaxing

Well I wont even go into my week, so don't ask :-)


But right now I am off work, bumming at the library and playing YouTube. Hahaha been vegging listening to NKOTB!!!!  Yes my weakness!! heheheeh will always and forever be a BlockHead!!


Figured today I would just update small things,... Lets see:


1)  From my post about helping others:  The man has been doing great.  He is working almost 6 days a week at the mall and being trained to do more work.  My coworker said that he sat with the guy in the food court during lunch one day and just chatted.  Hopefully he continues to do what he needs to do to continue to receive the help he needs.


not sure whatelse to write about.  My brain just isn't working and im ready for bed.. ha

no muse today

Sitting at the library and vegging when i should be home cleaning.  I just have no muse in my life today to get things accomplished.  Not sure what is going on, just what I am dealing with.  Just tired i guess.  So as i am sitting here, I decided to put on YouTube and listen to some music, and looking at tattoo stuff.  Ha i know im weird.

My music is very eclectic.  I listen to country (older stuff), dancing, latino, Rock, Pop, Classical, Opera, just whatever I am in the mood for.  So i have a play list on YouTube with a variety of items.  Figured might as well enjoy my time and hopefully relax some before i have to work tonight.

I have been pondering alot lately about where my life is going.  Especially in the job situation...

1)  I am a people person.
2)  I cant stand still... I have to keep moving.
3)  I miss doing the medical stuff.

The other day at work, I had a chance to use my EMT knowledge and skills to help someone.  It felt GREAT!!!  My boss was glad I was there to assist and said she couldn't have ever done something like that.  It is just what I do.  Some people believe they have a calling in life.  They believe they know what they want to do in life.  Well this is where I am.  I want to do the EMT stuff again!!!  I MISS IT!!  I got the education, and worked it for awhile till it was time to move up here.  Know it feels like i just dont belong in a position but i am working where i can for my daugter's medical stuff.  I guess I just will figure out where I belong in life.

Then what is weird is last night I had a dream about a friend from back home.  Him and i were sitting at a table drinking hot coco and it was snowing in the building.  Well I remember an alarm going off and he had on his scrubs (he is a nurse) and i had my old EMT uniform on.  So yea when i woke up.. just had a small pit in my stomach.  But I am doing what I need to do.

Well I need to go get Evie picked up soon from school... oh joy then head to work

My trials, my blessings

Since I have been dealing with all of Evie's medical stuff, tantrums, and meltdowns, I have came to the conclusion I might have found WHY I am dealing with all of this.  It is sort of like the "Pay it foward" thing.

Back home, I had felt alone dealing with everything and not understanding what to do, or how to handle it all.  I walked on egg shells dealing with all of her issues due to the fact she realized she had a grasp over me that  caused alot of problems for me.  Then I had learned she was getting a new Primary teacher and I was ready for the worst.  She does not handle changes to her set schedule at all.  Well it turns out the teacher was a friend of mines mom.  I remember her coming over and working with Evie till she got used to her.  I knew she had a son with Autism, but never knew him when he was younger.  She helped me by talking with me and helping to get Evie to alot of her activities.

Well a month before we moved, I remember us sitting in Relief Society, and I dont remember the lesson or what it was about.  But several of the sisters were asked to talk about something and how their testimonies grew from those struggles.  This sweet lady was not able to be in the lesson but had written her stuff done to be read.  Let me just say I was moved to tears.  In her letter she talked about the nights she had to deal with the autistic son, situation that would occur and as i listened to it I just KNEW i needed to be there.  Things she had went through with her son, was what I was currently (and still currently) going through with Evie.  That day I went up to her and thanked her for sharing her trials with me through the letter.  I remember what she said, "I am glad it helped.  I never want to be the person to say I am dealing with what you are going through, because I am not.  I had a husband that helped and you are dealing with this as a single parent. But I know what I shared will help you."

Here it has been 6 months (sure does not seem like it, and I still questioned alot and asked 'Why me?' I know we may not know or understand why we face the trials we do in this life, but I do believe Heavenly Father did show me a little of why me. This is my pay it foward...

This past weekend, the girls and I had attended our wards Trunk or Treat.  I am always on my toes about going to such things, because, Well i am not the social butterfly I used to be.  I am more of a wallflower now only because I dont know if i have to bolt out with one of the kids having their issue.  However, we sat down to eat dinner and a lady asked if her and her son could sit with us.  I said no problem.  I have talked to her from time to time at church but not often.  Her son asked if Evie could go play with him.  This i thought nothing of, but she had the look of shock and said Yes if it was ok with me.  Well the girls went to play with their new friend and the mom and I had talked.  Apparently he is going through alot of the same issues as Evie, and she is a single parent as well.  I remember the Bishop looking at us and said that we needed to find a time where her and I could just talk.  I may not be able to help her, but I do know that the struggles I have had, might give her some insight to how to help her son.  I was able to talk to her the other night and told her Evie was back up at the hospital again.  She said she kind of figured since she saw the firetruck and ambulance outside of our apartment.  She wants to get her son up to UNI (University of NeuroPsychiatric Institute) to get evaluated.  So I talked to her about the steps of having that happen and even gave her the number to the Crisis team.

I still may not be able to understand why I am dealing with what I am dealing with.  But Heavenly Father knows.  Last night we had a small issue again and yes once again the police had to come out to help with her.  In fact the one officer has been to my apartment several times when fire shows up.  He talked with me for about 30 minutes on what my next step needs to be.  I am grateful for that.  I may not like what he had to say (and it is what I had expected, her tantrums are the issue) but he was right.  It had opened my eyes on alot of it.

I do know her meltdowns will always be there, and with those I just ride the wave and hope she settles down.  But the tantrums are where I need to get under control.  Yes I had allowed those to get this bad because I was scared to punish her (from previous issues).  But I know the officer was right on how to get those under control.

There is still some good in the world

I have this morning ritual when I head to work, I usually stop off at Starbucks for my Hot chocolate and talk with a few of the people inside.  Right on the corner for the past 4 months has been the same guy who lives in a shelter here.  Someone always buys him a coffee and takes it out to him every day.

Tuesday I noticed the mall manager talking with him.  She was kneeling down and seems they were having quite the intense conversation.  She got up, walked inside starbucks, and returned with his cup of coffee.

Then yesterday:  I skipped starbucks (gift card was empty hahaha) and went straight into work.  It was a typical Wednesday, I'm usually stuck in the fitting room and sorting clothes left from the night before, or hard tagging all the new lingerie to be placed out on the floor.  I noticed the mall manager walking up with a shopping cart of clothes, nothing big, a few jeans, shirts, and 1 dress shirt and tie.  Well following her was the gentleman from the corner.  He still had on his ratty clothes, but he also was shaved and trimmed up.  He took the clothing items into the dressing room and she patiently waited for him.  We started to get busy in the back so I did not have the time to talk to her, and soon he left the dressing room with the clothing items in his hand.

When things slowed down and it was time for me to take my lunch, I walked to the front of the store with some reticketing items and talked with one of our SPS workers.  He told me that the manager offered the man a job of cleaning the sidewalks (picking up trash.. ect).  She bought him a decent pair of shoes, socks, and the clothing he had tried on.  My friend told me that he has talked with the guy on several times.  Apparently he is a Veteran (he had his card), came home and had to deal with PTSD, family leaving him while he was on active duty, and just got caught up with drinking.  He ended up being homeless for over a year, and on several times tried to clean up and get the help he needed.  He ended up hitchhiking last year and ended up out here in Utah.  He was able to stop drinking thought AA meetings at the Shelter, but he still had issues finding a job because of the fact he hadn't worked in such a long time.

This manager offered him a job and also offered to take him to the Department of Workforce to set up for getting funds and food stamps.  She called around and found a place that will allow him to stay, as long as he stays clean, and they provide counseling for those with PTSD.

Today as I drove by work (im at the library across the street at the moment), I noticed he was not standing at his corner, but was walking around and doing the work that was asked of him.


There are times we tend to ignore those asking for funds or help.  We keep thinking if they want the help, its there.  We jump to conclusions (yes i am guilty of this) of thinking they are choosing NOT to work and seek a better life.  Yet do we talk to them?  Yes I am guilty not to, and trust me there are some i would NOT go near to talk.  But there are ways of helping.  There are programs that do help, that are looking for funds, or maybe even clothing donations.  There are people that may not know what is out there for help.  I keep thinking of the scripture Matthew 25:31-40.  I have done service in the past, but I have not done any lately.  This morning as I was listening to my relaxation music while driving here, A Poor Wayfaring Man of Grief started to play.  One of my favorite hymns and it has really touched me in a new way.  May we all stand before our Savior and Him saying "Of me thou hast not been ashamed.These deeds shall thy memorial be; Fear not, thou didst them unto me."

So much going on....

Well I would like to say things have been going great, but they haven't been the best.  Things are still going on with Evie and her medical stuff that I don't know which direction I am heading currently.  With all the times I have had to call Emergency as well as the Crisis teams,  just not sure what to do anymore.


With everything going on, I have been questioning a lot about why I am up here away from my family and what good is it here?  Yes I know that kind of thinking is from the advisory and lately he has been working on me 100%.  I am tired of the stress and all the issues that are going on.  So yes with all these stresses, as you can imagine how my personal self is... yea.  Not doing to well.  I need to get in to see Paul this week, but when?  I have meetings like crazy with all of Evies therapists and Natalies, working two jobs... Where do I take care of myself?  When do I have time?  But such is life of a single parent. 


Please do not get me wrong, I regret none of it.  I do remind myself of the bigger picture reminding me why I had moved up here in the first place.  But I could do without the stress and the worries.  My ulcer hasn't acted up in awhile, well this past weekend, it started acting up.  I am just exhausted.  Yes I allowed myself to get ran down, which I had tried to stop, but its kind of hard.


Natalies birthday is this week.  I feel bad because I have to work, and she has let me know that she is upset about it.  I feel awful.  but what can I do.


The good part is we found out the Social Security was approved.  The bad part, I had applied for the Disability and she was approved for supplemental.  So not sure what that means.  I just need to find a time to get downtown to the main office and find out what is going on.


Well that's about it for me.  Im at the library and letting the girls play around some.  I figured I would jam to some music and update a few things...

Men suck.... ok not all of them do

Well with my oldest's medical situation I have had to place my love life on hold.  Ok, not much left of it but the little I DID have.  He was understanding about the situation, however within 3 days he started dating and its serious I.  Not once did he tell me any of this.

Yes I am the one that called it off but however I still feel betrayed about the situation.  But alas, I learned my lesson.  Think i would have learned it everytime this has happened  but nope.

exhausted

If one would look at my arms, they would be questioning "What the hell happened?"  Well they are covered in bruises from my wrist to my upper arm.  It was meltdown city this past weekend with the kiddo :-(

Yes i am ok.  Yes we made it through, but we also had to take a midnight trip the the ER last night because her stomach was really bad.  They were able to get her calmed down so they did NOT admit her to the hospital.  They were able to get her better medicines to help with her stomach.

But yet i question if I can really do this as a single parent?
I refuse to settle just to have that co-parent thing, but i am also wishing i had that blessing of help.

I had to call a friend to watch my youngest so i could follow the ambulance up to the hospital.  I hate that!!  I hate asking for help!!  Yet i know, that is the only way i can make it work here.  I just wish i had other help thats all.

Anyways I better get going.  Just came to the library to finishing some paperwork for a job.  I better get home so i can get Evie her meds again then head to do more paper work

miss grumpy pants returns

What more can I say about today and the day just started?  I don't understand how places could garnish hard working people for bills that are NOT theirs?  Seriously, I had thought all of the ex's bills were paid off before I left NM, but nope. Its dumb!!  we have been divorced for quite sometime and I am still paying off (not by choice) his crap!!  I only work part time $9.00 an hour (not a lot) supporting 2 children out of my own pocket, and he sits on his @#$#@$ in prison with NO BILLS!!  Grrrrrrrrrrrr


My bills:
Gas/Heating
Power
Car
Babysitting
Rent
Kids needs


His:
NOTHING


Yes I am complaining. Yes I am angry.  Where are my blessings?  I should have realized that with my luck, something like this would happen. Things have been looking up for kiddo and something like this sets me back.  I need a blessing

Just another Monday

I have came to the conclusion that I am not ment to have a great Monday.  Ha.. between register at work freezing up, then having to restart the credit machine every 3 transactions.  It was great. (Please note that I am trying to type in sarcasm).

I love working with the people and learning but this is NOT what I want to do.  Yes there are some that dont mind sliding by but I am not one of them.  I Do miss doing the EMT stuff and really want to get back into it.

Well Im at the library and about to fall asleep.  Tomorrow I am off, thank goodness.  However, between a job interview, and 3 appointments I may not get much done.

So much to say

We got the results from my oldests blood work for Metabolic/DNA test.  She has a mutation in one of her strands.  So we were referred for genetic counseling.  I do hope this hurries through I am tired of all the waiting. (Yes patience has never been a strong suit for me).  Till then, a lot has been on hold.

I look back and see what all has been going on.  I am working at an OK job, but ideally, its not what I want to do.  I love the EMS stuff.  I believe its a calling for me.  Yet here I am working retail because it works with my oldests medical appointments.  Drives me nuts.  But yes I sacrifice for my children and that I do not regret.  I don't have a social life, I don't get out for adult time (other then work and 2 hrs for church).  That is it.  I do miss a lot of things but there is not much what I can do about that.

Today while running errands with my youngest, she told me I need to get married again.  I told her I don't even have time to date.  She told me I had enough Male friends that I just need to marry one of them and get it over with :-)  if it was only that easy.  But I know it would be nice to have someone to share my life with.  Someone that could handle my girls, as well as myself.  My oldest is a handful and not many can handle that (as proven in the past).  It caused a hurt ego but it showed me their true colors.  I don't need that in my life.  What I need is someone who respects their priesthood and understand that I am a full package.  With me, comes an instant family.  I am a full time mother.  I have my girls 365 days a year.  This is difficult for some to understand as I found out, but hey, don't need that in my life.

Well I should get back to my research.  I am trying to learn more about what is going on with my oldest.  I don't have long here at the library

Yes I am alive

Things have been just crazy isn our household.  I haven't had a chance to get online much to do any updates like i want.  Any online time has been researching genetic research.

Well the update goes as follows,

we are moved into the new apartment.  work has been good... E behavior not what I had wanted.  Lets just say it was a very severe meltdown.  Last monday night the girls went swimming as promised.  Well I had just gotten off work and told them they could swim for 30 minutes but then it would be time to come in.  Well I gave them the countdown when it got closer, but E was getting more aggressive and agitated.  So long story short, she had a HUGE meltdown and i ended up calling Emergency to have her transported.  They wanted to admit her but stubborn me wouldn't have it (and yes i regret that).  Then that Friday, she ran off from her sister and I... so called emergency again.  Luckily they found her.  Well I took her back to the hospital and this time they weren't concerned with admitting her nor about our safety.

Then the big one... Saturday.  She ended up having a huge issue so when she calmed down enough, i took her up to Children's Primary and they evaluated her.  They ended up agreeing with me about admitting her to the University Neuropsychiatric Institute (UNI) here in SLC.  I hated having to do that.  I am her mom and I am supposed to be able to fix the issues and make things better, not send her off.  Yes i feel guilty but I know it was for the best.

She has since been discharged and now doing a Day Treatment program.  But things are not perfect.  They kept her on her Prozac and changed the other two medicines.  They threw out the original diagnosis (kept the ODD oppisitional Defiance disorder) but they are trying to figure out what is going on.  She shows some characteristics of a child on the spectrum (high functioning), but also shows characteristics of a child with a chromosomal abnormality.  They want to do some genetic testing.  So now we play the waiting game on that since it will take awhile to get that test, then hope insurance will pay for it.

Well i figured i would let you all know I am alive.  Just alot going on.....

Im a warden

There are days I am a warden with my kids.  I am having to sit over Evie just to get her to clean her room.  Nat isn't to bad, she will do her job when asked, but ugh.  Last night they didn't get to bed till after 1am.  So yes I woke them up at 8am to start cleaning.. again. 


I need a warm sandy beach somewhere, sipping on a fruity drink and enjoying the sound of the ocean waves.

yepp

Well plus side, I am finally getting the medical help for the kiddo.  We are going in the right direction.  I love it here but...

I hate only working part time.  I hate feeling like I cant provide. grrrrr... and I HATE not being able to do my EMT stuff!! 

Yepp... anyways I am done or the night.  I need to get some reading done and get to bed

I think im alive

Well even though I was excused from work today, I still went in.  I kept my water bottle with me at all times today and drank a lot!!  I think that helped. I still feel really worn out though, but it will take awhile to get back up to where I need to be. 

I also had a nice long talk with my mom on the phone tonight.  She was seeing a bit of what I was telling her about whats going on.  She agreed with me.  So I don't feel bad.. but problem is, I don't feel.  I don't know what is going on but yeah I was upset but that was it.  It didn't last long and I'm still feeling ok.  I feel mad at him but that is it.  You would think I would feel broken hearted or something... but I don't.

One thing maybe, I'm mama bear.. I am protective over my girls.  The fact that I had promises "I'll help you..." went to "my mom said I cant watch them on Sunday night..".  First of all HOW old are you?  Ugh. Then the fact he through "i did this for you.... I over drawn my account... "  umm I never asked for that.  He kept changing the facts on me, and that's when I started to realize how similar it was from the time before. I went through that with my ex husband.  I remember he threw stuff like that back at me... wouldn't listen to what was going on. 

What I am looking for is someone I don't have to support.  If I want to be a mom and stay home I should have that right!  I cook.  I clean.  I do dishes... if I want to work then it should be fine as part time.  I supported my ex with working myself into the ground.  I will not do that again. 

Yeah I'm a bit mad... but then again I'm still not feeling 100% better so that's my excuse

sicky sicky sicky

For anyone who has EVER worked in the medical field will know this... but medical people make the WORSE patients.  Yepp. I hate being sick.  I'm grumpy and don't want to listen to the instructions.  I'm stubborn like that.

But seems there is a virus going round up here, mimicking the flu... but its all gastro.  Well guess what.  It started last night at work and today it hit full force.  So I ended up at the local urgent care up the street, they threatened me with an IV, however I promised to drink lots of fluids.  So got a medicine to settle my stomach and was told to go home and rest.

Ok so I came home, laid down, took the medicine and rested (as much as my kids would allow).  YES I drank water and tried to eat something (bad idea).  So water and ice it is.  I went ahead and was given a note to stay home today, and tomorrow if needed.  I do hope that tomorrow I do feel better to go to work.  If at all I'll just take my water bottle and just keep filling it up.  They want me to follow up with a primary, but however I do not have one up here (yea my bad).  So we'll see.  Frozen slush Gatorade and water for now.

Tuesday Natalie has an evalution then after, I have an appt.  After that I had set up a few apartment viewings and hope to find something soon.  I am looking for one that will accept animals.  I know my daughter does qualify for a service (therapy) pet.  So looking for something where it wont be too much of a problem.  That kid keeps changing her mind if she wants a dog or a cat.  But something that will allow her to focus on, and that is trained for the meltdowns.  I know a trained animal will be costly but we'll find a way.  I remember when we had pets when she was younger, she was able to focus.  She was able to focus on that animal, petting, stroking, and playing.  It had a way of calming her when she needed. 

Anyways I am done with the update.  Took another medicine and I'm getting exhausted now.  I'm trying to keep my stress down while being sick as well.  This is NOT fun

where is thy faith?

..............

Shattered glass

This has been a tough week for me.  I am seriously thinking about a few things and changes that I need to make.  I don't know where to go from here, just keep praying about things I suppose.  Right now I feel like I have lost faith.  Do I feel my prayers are being heard? Yes.  But why are the answers being withheld?

I have 2 weeks to find a new place to live and that is the major struggle.  I have been looking and doors are just closing and its frustrating.  I KNOW this is where I am suppose to be. Everytime I pray about it, it feels peaceful.  Yet why is one of the major struggles that I am having being withheld?  I just don't understand.  The one time I need a blessing, I still have not met my home teachers.

Anyways,  I decided to take a small break from facebook.  I am going to tell a certain guy that I just cant marry him.  I know he will be hurt and angry, but right now I have to work on me, and all these issues I'm dealing with from the past.  This is part of the PTSD.  Your brain needs to be retrained and its been 6 years since I had the issue... so its 6 years I need to recover.  There are just certain things that are getting to me and I don't want to say anything because I know it will come out defensive and wrong.  But this is just who I am.  Yes every relationship is different and everyone goes through the good and bad, but someone like me who went through things, those things take the front plate and become an issue. 

anyways that's it for me.  I don't know what I going to happen with us.....

An act of love

I do love living here where there is such a wide diversity of religions, beliefs, and race.  I have met many different people from all over the world and its wonderful.  Last week we took a tour of the Conference center here with a wonderful family from Finland.  They were laughing with us and got a kick watching my girls talking about the plants on the roof.

Then yesterday, I was really touched.  There was a woman needing to buy her daughter a pair of cleats for Soccer.  She was on her lunch break from a restaurant in the mall.  This lady supports 3 kids on her own.  Yes she receives help from her church but she makes sure she sacrifices for them.  Her daughter loves to play sports and this woman picked up an extra shift to pay for the fees needed.  She also has bake sales with the other soccer moms to help with uniforms and traveling.  Well she needed these shoes and she started to count out the money she needed.  She was $1.00 short.  Behind her in line was a very nice Muslim woman who comes in once in awhile.  She looked at the lady and watched her count out coins, handed me a $5.00 bill and told me to add that to the bill.  She didn't know who this lady was, but she opened her heart and helped her.  The waitress was in tears and offered her a free meal, she looked at her and said "no need, one day you will help someone else.  Just keep passing on the love and generosity."

How beautiful this was!! I have felt strangers love before.  Someone bought me my cap and gown for college graduation, no idea who.  Someone made sure my girls had a great Christmas... my first Christmas as a single parent and I was scared about gifts for the girls.  My work called and said someone left a few things up there for my girls.  They didn't know who, but it was very touching. Someone had nominated Evie to go shopping for school clothes at Target.  We didn't know who, but there was a set amount.  Because of Evie's sensory issues, some of the clothing was more expensive and I was going to pay the difference but the shopper we were with, pulled out his debit card and paid the  $19 difference.  I had a friends brother give me a check so I could get coats for the girls (my first year as a single mom) and expected nothing in return, just help others.

 I have also witnessed many good deeds preformed in the past.  Someone bought me my hot chocolate at a Starbucks drive through.  I remember a guy in beat up clothes, covered in tattoos, give 2 movie passes to a woman who wanted to take her daughter to a movie for her birthday. The show they wanted was sold out and the next one was 3D.  He walked up and handed the box office cashier 2 passes that WOULD work for that show and told them to use it. 

I keep wondering how this world would be if people just smiled and helped someone in need?  There is so much hate in this world over stupid things.  What happened to love one another?  I know that there are many people who are jerks and want to cause pain and hurt, but how about swallowing your pride and helping others?  I hate watching the news anymore, since all they report is the negative stuff, but I KNOW there is positive stuff out there.  In my hometown an officer bought 2 children bikes and helmets.  One year, one took a friends kids on the "Shop with a Cop" and  he paid for clothes, supplies, and toys (with funds), then he bought them some groceries from his own cash.  There is so much positive stuff out there, we just need to look for it.  If you don't see it, please create it.  Do service for someone.  Smile at someone different.  Help with homeless projects.

As this year is half way, I look back and realized I could have done more help myself.  This past May, Evie and I got to help with a service project up here in UT.  We got to sort clothing for the homeless and prepare a few snack boxes.  What an amazing thing to help!  I remember when we got done the first night, Evie looked at me and said her heart was full of happy.  What a touching thing!  This will be something she wont forget, and is ready to do more service work.  In August they will do another sorting party and I have already signed us up to help once again.  I may not have been able to see the looks on the peoples faces when they got their food boxes and new clothes, but I am sure they were touched at the generosity of others helping.

Just take this time to think about what good you can do for someone.  I would love to hear about it. #actoflove

Day off = Go, Go GO

We have been going since 9am this morning.  Holy cow!!!  I wish I had a pedometer just to see how much I walked. :-)

I have been doing some thinking though.  Today I had an appointment and talked a lot about everything I had been through from the past, especially everything with my ex husband.  It just got me thinking, am I ready for  relationship?  I don't know.  Also with all of Evie's issues, I need someone that will understand why I'm tired, or why I can only work part time.  I deal with a lot on daily basis that a lot of people could not handle.  I have had to place myself between both girls, and take the hits.  I am the one that sits up all night while one child is screaming and breaking things.  I received calls while at work to go pick up my daughter from daycares or school.  I have had to sit with her in school just to get her to do her work. I am the one that made the decision to call non-emergency for her and sit in the ER with her after a meltdown.  I have done ALOT as single mom!!  But I need someone that can see this.  I need someone that wont expect me to work full time and yet be the full time mom.  I moved 400 miles from my family for better medical care for her.  As a friend says, I detached the umbilical cord (ok its been detached since I have lived on my own for quite a long time.) 

So now it comes to the major decision on what to do.  I am staying up here, but will have to be finding a place.  I will be looking for just the girls and I.  I do love it up here and do not want to go back to NM.  For the first time I feel like I belong somewhere. Yes it gets lonely here, but there is a lot to do, and, well I feel great here.

Also today, as we walked around Temple Square, we saw Elder Eyring!!!  YES in person!!! hehehe it was the coolest thing ever!  He said hi.  I wish I had my phone so I could have taken a picture!! lol yes I probably would have asked for a selfie.

But as we were in the North visitors center, there was a video "Finding Peace".  I listened to Elder Hollands, and Pres. Monson's talk.  WOW just what I needed.


anyways that's all for me.  I do believe its going to be time to get some sleep soon.  I have to work a long shift tomorrow

my pet peeve

I am a very open person.  Well today I had to deal with someone I would have rather NOT delt with. One of my managers is Native American, and she is awesome.  Well she was helping on registers and was open.  A customer was ignoring her so the people behind him walked up to her.  Well my register was opened and the guy walks up.  He starts talking about how he doesn't recognize America anymore.  He also had a "White Power" shirt on, and started bragging about it being autographed by Donald Trump. He even had pictures shaking hands, and turning around as his shirt was being signed.  As he walked off I could hear him talking about "illegals need to go away and leave this land for the Right white man."  Yea I wanted to throw my stapler at him. 

Both bosses were really mad at this guy and the security were mad.  He would ignore anyone that wasn't white. grrrrrr.  So next time he comes in, they hope to have him trespassed.  I guess he had issues in the mall as well since the security guard came in looking for him.  He said they had multiple complaints about the guy.  Another reason I will not vote for Trump.


Anyways, today has been one of those emotional days.  Between second guessing everything now, misreading a lot of things... I think I am ready for bed.  I am down to 1 job now.  The other job, half of the employees walked off and with it being slow, they said they were going to place my position on hold.  She hopes it picks back up so she can place me on the schedule again, but right now I'm just going to relax now and breath. tonight I was able to cook a real dinner, do some laundry, and catch up on a show I have been wanting to watch.  Yes it will be a tight budget but I will figure everything out.

Anyways, I'm going to read some and maybe sit back and relax in the tub.

Freedom

As we celebrate our Independence day, I am reminded of what it took to make it free.  All those sacrifices of lives just so we have the freedom to be the people we want to be.

Today's day we are dealing with refugees again.  Many people are spreading hate messages, blaming crimes on them, and basically stupid stuff.  But let me tell you something,  I have had the chance to work with an amazing Syrian Muslim at my job.  She is 18 and came over with a 8 year old brother to live with her aunt and uncle.  Her mom, dad, and younger sister were killed in Syria trying to escape out of the war torn land.  Her dad died trying to protect her mom and sister.  Some strangers grabbed her and her brother and made them run with them right after all that happened.  As I got to talking to her, she was so excited to celebrate her 1st Independence day here.  Even though she is not American, she said "I am free here.  I lost my family who wanted us to be free.  Here I am able to go to school if I want and not be threatened.  I can read, write, walk down the street if I want to.  I will celebrate my Independence for being in this wonderful land."

I can not even fathom what she has went through or experienced.  Over the few days we talked about things she wants to do.  She said she wants to save up to take her brother to Disneyland.  She has plans for her first paycheck to start getting him school supplies.  Her aunt has helped but she said that she wants to contribute to the help as well.  She is also looking into attending school when she can.  She wants to be a teacher and is already looking at what she would need to reach that goal.  She talked about the fear of her wanting to go to college and being a female it was not allowed before.

I am grateful to be free.  I am here because there were people who fought for our freedom.  The chance to go to school without fear of persecution for being female.  The freedom to study religion and choosing that belief.  I can own a car, drive, have a bank account... ect.  In many places there are laws against females owning any of this.  These are things I believe we take for granted.

All this being said, This is why I am NOT a Trump supporter.  He accuses all Muslims for the hate that a group is causing.  Well in the example I already stated above, are all white people killers?  We chased off a few of the Native Tribes from their land.  Murdered many.  So you see where I am getting with this.  We cant blame everyone for one group is doing.  Not everyone is the same.  So spewing all that hate and scaring people for votes its not going to help.  He wants the muslims here to register... Remember the last time we did that?  Think back to the holocaust.


Anyways, I have looked at today with a new set of eyes thanks to the help of a young Muslim refugee.  This young girl witnessed horrors that I can not fathom.  She lost her family because they wanted to escape and find freedom. 

"We can't be consumed by our petty differences anymore. We will be united in our common interests. Perhaps it's fate that today is the Fourth of July, and you will once again be fighting for our freedom... Not from tyranny, oppression, or persecution... but from annihilation. We are fighting for our right to live. To exist. And should we win the day, the Fourth of July will no longer be known as an American holiday, but as the day the world declared in one voice: "We will not go quietly into the night!" We will not vanish without a fight! We're going to live on! We're going to survive! Today we celebrate our Independence Day!" (I love this quote)

Last night only slept 4 hrs.  I just couldn't relax between feet and legs hurting.  Not sure whats going on... You would think with all the EMS stuff it wouldn't bother me but this does.  Maybe its just standing there in one place for a long time that is getting to me.  Hopefully tonight I can move around some.  I'm working 1 job  2- 6pm. The 2nd job 8 pm - 1:30am.  SO I'm sure I wont be on register the whole time since they close about 11ish.  We just have to make sure things get put up and the store gets organized for the next days sales.

I am off on Monday however... YAY!!  So trying to figure out what the girls and I should do.  Guess I'll figure it out. 

anyways I best get back to work.

in the need of a back rub

Let me tell you my lower back is killing me.  Today has been insane!  With the EMT stuff I was constantly on the move so I never had issues with back, but this job I am standing there for almost 8 hours and yikes.  Even with my boots, my feet and back hurts.

Tonight at least I can sit down some even if its in front of the computer.  Things have been steady and not to bad.  I made my calls and now waiting for a call back from one of my favorite coworkers.  This guy really cracks me up.  He has a way of starting off the conversations with a joke or something off the wall. 

Anyways back to work... I also feel like baking either a chocolate cake or chocolate chip cookies...

... dang diet. Must have willpower

a day of nothing

Well I had hoped both kiddos would have cleaned their room so we could go out and do things, but nope.  So their punishment was mine as well.  I had to deal with 2 children having tantrums and fighting, however I stuck to my decision and we stayed home.  I am hoping they understand why I made that choice.  It killed me with it being my day off, but I forced myself to stay.  Ended up scrubbing the kitchen floor and cabinets.  I tried to read, but it was hard to just sit and relax.

Tomorrow through Saturday I work 2 jobs back to back starting at 10am.  I hope the new work schedule will be up by tomorrow.  I do need to find out about July 11th.  I finally got an appointment with Social Security for my oldest's issues.  I am hoping that I can get the help I need for her.  A friend of mine told me to just be honest with the application questions.  Also look at it this way, Will she live a normal life?  Will she be able to take care of her clothes, bathing, hair, cooking/shopping... for herself.  The answer, no.  I have to help her with a lot of things and even her last evaluation the Dr said she probably wouldn't be able to live a normal life.  Especially with all the medicine she has to take on daily basis and all the appointments she has to attend.  And here I am doing this all as a single parent.

Tonight was a quiet night at work. I made my calls and tried to work on past due bills.  One guy refuses to pay his bill because "he signed up while he was high on drugs and shouldn't be held responsible".  Seriously?  Then he asked why he cant get his TV to work, duh its disconnected because you haven't paid your bill.  ha

Anyways I better get the girls laying down soon and ready for bed.  Tomorrow will be a long day for me. 

well 1 step foward, 4 steps backwards

I am so ready for a new life.  Seriously how come I cant just trade this one in for a new one?  Ok just some of the things, not all of them. 

I guess today I'm just feeling the effects of not sleeping well.  I'm not sure what's going on but I feel like I haven't slept well.  I just need to figure out what is going on. 

Well back to work....

busy busy busy day

Well today has been an adventure...

Evies appointment went well.  Yes they went over usual calming techniques, but once again in one ear and out the other.  She refused to use any of them today.  So I had to get in between both girls several times today.

We met with the new rental place today.  I'm not holding my breath with them.  I don't know, just had some weird vibes while we were in there.  Its not that they aren't trustworthy but after all the reviews I read, I am seeing the issues.  For example there is a dead tree in the front yard.  I asked if there will be something done with that since its not even standing very well and one good windstorm can be an issue.  It is close to the house and yes it does lean towards that way.  Well one lady did not know about the tree issue, but the other lady said, "Oh yeah, I guess we are still waiting for them to decide".  Ok who is them?  and decide what?  I do know enough about rental insurance to know that with that tree, we will have issues getting coverage.  If it was to blow over or catch on fire, then yea. I did express my concerns to them and one lady was looking at her nails picking at it, the other lady was chomping (and I mean think of a cow) on gum.  Not to professional.  So we'll see.  All I know is I need to get a place with enough rooms so the girls do NOT have to share.

Then after that, came home and yes the girls started back up again.  Well I finally got them to relax and I was able to lay down while the laundry was going.  I was able to nap finally, but woke to a scream.  A mirror fell on Natalie (and how the mirror did NOT break is strange).  But it scratched her up and her wrist started to swell.  So got both girls ready, ran to the urgent care here and got it looked at.  Luckily nothing is broken but she is sore.  The nurse when ahead and cleaned up the scrapes and scratches.  I barely made it back home before my 2nd job started and I was getting calls to run orders.  My phone has been ringing off the hook. 

Well it has finally slowed down some, just in between orders at the moment.  Girls have settled down for a small time, only because one is playing and the other is watching a dvd.

But on the bright side, seems a lot of the employees are pushing for me to stay on past seasonal work.  I am seriously looking into it.  The closing manager last night gave me some paperwork and a study guide to learn Front End Supervision.  It isn't a huge promotion but it is a step up and it will add more to my position,  Plus if I pass all the study stuff then I will have a better chance of staying on past seasonal.  It would be nice to be able to stay since I really like a lot of the people that I work with there.  I am still meeting a lot of them, but its going well.

Well that is about it really. I have a few other things to do before bedtime tonight but just no energy to get any of it done at the moment.  Oh well I need to do what I need to do

new outlook

A friend sent this quote to me after what happened yesterday.  I settled down and found it in me to forgive that lady.  As stated, each situation is unique and each mother has different challenges.  My challenges are not what she has to face.  She does not understand what my child's medical needs are and yes she judged us wrongly on it.  I should not have allowed my anger to kick in like it had.  I guess when it comes to my children, I do turn into mama bear.  It hurts me that she wont allow her children to play with my girls, but its her choice.  I am dealing with my girls being upset but we will find a way around this. 

What does bother me is people out there that believe their children will "Catch" this kind of stuff.  It bothers me that people do believe this thought.  Evies best friend back home has Down Syndrome.  It never bothered me once or the other mom.  In fact it was a great support for us... especially for me.  It kills me though to see my daughter want to play with friends, and the parents not allowing it.  She doesn't understand why they cant, and really I don't know how to tell her.  I don't know if I should.  Here is where I am stuck.  But seeing her longing for playmates (that are not mommy or sister), it hurts me.

The person that had originally suggested this lady, still does not know what was said.  Right now I don't want to tell him.  One I don't want to drag him in the middle, and two, I want this behind me.  However, July 3rd they do fireworks and he invited the girls and I to go.  I am HOPING that I am off that night so I can find an excuse.  I know that sounds bad but I don't want to go.  For Evie seeing that little girl and wanting to play with her (since they live right across the street from my friend) would  be too hard.  So I am waiting to see if I have to work either job.  I do hope I have my evening job at least, that way the girls and I can stay home and relax.. who knows.  I just don't want to go.  I don't know if seeing her would make me angry again and I really do not want to deal with that.  I am trying to get passed that and love my daughters.

ugh.. why me

Yeah I should be happy, feeling giddy, and all those amazing feelings.  But I don't.  Right now I'm just too tired still.  I suppose stress has really been kicking my butt lately and driving me nuts.

I think of all those walls that I had developed over the past 6 years and how it shut everyone out and all emotions and feelings off.  Well I thought I was past that by now, but I am not.  I need a blessing at this moment.  I don't have Home Teachers ..... ok that is not true.  I have some assigned yet they have NOT came by to see us or contacted us in anyway.  Being a single woman, with NO priesthood in my family, you would think this would be one of the reasons to make sure I get someone, but nope...

But seriously, as I look at what is on my hand  I am starting to question a lot of feelings, emotions, what is right and what is wrong.  Guess my ex really messed me up hu?

But seriously I am battling these emotions right now and its driving me nuts.  I need to figure out what is going on and what I need to do.  My girls LOVE him, and I know that means something.  There have been many times that Evie would say something in the past and later I wondered if she had received some personal revelation on the issue or what?  Does that make sense?

Anyways I have a long day today.  I have to hit the grocery store, return library stuff, then work from 11 till 6 today with the data job.  So at least I can stay home, get some cleaning and laundry done.

Major vent

OK,  So Tuesday I had a sitter lined up and yea she had kids... offered to help... blah blah blah.  I explained that I do have special needs child and yepp she was fine with that and "could handle it". 

Well today I found out that she couldn't.  She did NOT call me or text me... Rather called a friends MOM and explained that she could not handle the girls and that they were "undisciplined and saying one is special needs is an excuse to allow her to get away with a lot of things".  OK that day she said "oh they were fine, yea I had to separate the girls once..."

So yea this mama is PISSED!!!  And right now if anyone is offended by that word, oh well.  But I am seeing red!!!  Lady if you even tried to walk in my shoes, you would have given up LONG TIME AGO!!!!  I doubt you would have lasted 2 steps.

yeah... I'm done.

This mommy needs a kid free vacation

I am drained!!!  Ok that doesn't even cover it. 

Let me explain the day....

So no sitter... I have one friend who offers but she lives about 50 mins north of here (yes minutes via freeway).  She is the only one offering to help.  NO help from the ward. No other help.  The other person I used, well lets just say she cant handle the girls when they get on each others nerves.  Yes they are fighting again.  They are picking on each other again.  I am EXHAUSTED

I just deleted a whole paragraph because I just needed to vent it out... and I didn't need to hang dirty laundry here.  So I will try again.  I just don't want to be the adult at this moment and want to relax and watch tv.  That would be amazing.

Anyways I'm waiting for work to call me back with an order.  They have been busy today with all the orders and my phone has been going off a lot.  And it always seemed to happen around dinner time.  My luck lol.  oh well.  This job is great since I can be home to work and spend that time with my kids, as well as clean, laundry, house work, and play warden to them.  I just wish it either paid more or offered more hours.  There are days I don't think it is possible to work as much as I am and be the mom the girls need.  I hate being that mom that has to work all the time  I just wish I didn't have to.  However, he told me that I need to pay half of the rent. ugh.

well back to work now.

Tired doesn't even cover it

Today I worked just 4 hours on register.  I have to admit it went pretty ok.  A few customers really complimented me on my smile and how nice I was... IN front of the GM :-)  So I suppose that's good.  All I have to say, is its a good thing I had my EMT boots on lol  my feet yesterday were killing me and today they helped.  I was buddied with a trainer and she said I was picking up pretty fast.  Yepp. Just need to get my timing down.  You have so many seconds in-between customers and during sales.  Yea between my scanner giving me issues and then trying to take off the sensors lol I don't think I did that great.  But I did improve on speed some.  Now I just need to get the bagging part down.. lol the plastic bags hated me today.

The girls are another story.  I seriously do not know what to do with them.  I do question military school.  Natalie keeps arguing and egging Evie on.  Then Evie gets where she fights.  I am seriously exhausted from all this fighting.  You would think after 2 months things between them would have been different but nope.  It is like they were never apart. 

Once again single parenting is for the birds.  I need a live in person to help cook, watch the girls, clean, laundry... so basically I need a wife lol (that is what a friend of mine said).  But also someone who is good at giving neck rubs would be awesome!! (ok and maybe some back massages).

anyways I'll be back later, time to make some calls for work and get some data entry done

Did you miss me?

Well we made it back yesterday.  Let me just say its amazing we all survived the trip back.  I forgot how the girls behaved with each other.  30 minutes into the trip back, I had to pull over and make Evie get in the front seat to separate them.  Then they would argue and yell... yeah.   So I figured they were just tired.  Last night Evie slept in her room and Nat with me.  Well this morning things were just as bad.

I seriously don't know what to do!!!  Both girls have been so used to being away from each other and now that they are back together its just fighting after fighting.  Nat will pick on Evie.  Evie will lose her control and go after Nat.  This is where I am feeling the effects of being 400 miles away from my parents.  In the past, one of the girls would go with my parents or stay the night there and just get a break.  well now we cant do that.

Don't get me wrong, there are days they do great.  One of the moments today, we went to the library and Evie had fun teaching Natalie about the activities and how to use the library computers.  They had fun.  Then as soon as well were ready to leave there... it started up again.  I'm sure that they will outgrow this... but why cant it be NOW?

Let me tell you Single parenting kids like this (especially with a special needs child) is for the pits.  What I need is someone to move in and help with housework, cooking, keeping kids busy, and offering me neck massages lol That sounds like heaven.  But more or less be there to help when the girls start acting up.  When those two go at it, it is a two adult job.

Oh well.

Another update, I did NOT take the full time job.  You might think I am crazy for this but I do have my reasons.  I did however take the parttime job that will work with my other job.  I may not get the same days off, but they will work with each other and I only have to find a sitter for the hours I work at the store.  This also will give me a little extra spending so I can take the class that I do need to transfer my EMT.

Anyways it is about bed time for me.  I need to finish some documenting for work then I am going to fall asleep.  Tomorrow I'm working 10 - 2.  Then 6 - 9 (2nd job).  I can do this

Mommy moment

I did it! I cut my hair!!  6 inches cut from the length... ha I didn't realize it was that long, but apparently you forget when all you do is put it up in a ponytail.  I have to admit I kind of miss the hair, but with this heat and humidity, forget it, this look is cooler (literally).

Well we went to get kiddo's lab results. They are good.  Her lithium level is still on the low side, but they aren't surprised.  That is one thing I hope to get changed when I can. Her panels are great, however she is still anemic.  But they said that is expected with the medication she is on.  Today has been a little rough with her, but she is getting there.  Just will take time to get her past the defiancy and do what she needs to do. 

As for me, I am doing good just really tired today.  Seems like there is so much to get done before my other kiddo comes up.  We managed to clean and rearrange the room, however E ended up throwing down all the clean clothes I washed, so after this I will be going in there and helping her hang things up.  There is still another load in the dryer a well.  Yepp she hasn't worn that many clothes, just threw them on the floor or under the bed.

I am still trying to figure out the work situation.  Do I take the full time job??  Or do I take the other part time job and keep this job with it??  Choices!!!  I need to figure it out and just go with it.  Seriously where was this part time job like 3 weeks ago, or longer?  HA! That would have been great.  But here I am trying to decide.

awww well back to work.... got a call coming in

when it rains, it pours

I have came to the conclusion that I am not ment to have the blessings I believe I am entitled to.  I am so ready to just crawl in bed and sleep till my kiddo's are old enough to stay home and take care of themselves.  Yeah right.

So that job that I start on Monday?  Well here is the kicker, I had received another call from another job offering me a position.  Part time but will work with the current job.  Well I had already received the job that was full time.  I had someone lined up to watch the girls from 11:30 - 5pm.  HOWEVER today I received the news that she will not be able to watch them.  Actually it is a very good excuse, poor lady is pregnant with her 2nd child, and having severe complications.  I told her no worries and gave her my well wishes.  Here it is, Friday - no one to watch my kiddos so I can go work and provide a living.

I'm telling you this single parenting is for the birds.  My ex provides nothing (well duh, he is currently re-incarcerated in the Department of corrections again).  Reason I have full custody.  Yet I am expected to support my girls on my salary but heaven forbid, there might be a program out there provided to help single parents. (yes I checked.)  Now if I was unemployed there are programs, but here I am trying to work and nothing.  Is it me or is the government screwed up?? 

Yes I know women who complain they have to go in the workforce after being a Stay at home parent for a few years. They expect their ex spouses to provide for them to stay home and continue to do all this.  Ummm not this chick.  I have always worked.  I have always pulled my weight (and a lot of times more than) to provide.  Yet there are people out there that are ABLE to work and choose not to.  Give me a break.

Like today, I started to ponder something as I took my normal route to run errands.  There is this couple that stands on the corner every day... 8- 12 hrs a day.  Asking for handouts, saying they are homeless.  OK during this time they can get work, they can work a job.   Yet they want to receive the easy way out. Dumb.  This may sound heartless, but up here there are amazing programs that are set up to help the homeless get off the streets, earn job skills and help them find means to sustain themselves.  Yet there are people that want the easy money, not work for it, and probably using that money for something illegal. 

Yes back home there was a lot of homelessness always begging.  The problem with that, is many were already drunk, drugged... ect.  Where I lived was in a rural area and unfortunately there was a lot of alcoholism among the crowd. Here is the same.  But back home when people asked for money, they usually settled for food if you offered it.  Here, I saw someone offer a guy food, and the guy had a fit and said no he would rather the money and get his own food. 

anyways I am venturing off on another subject.  I guess today has just been one of those days.

1 step forward, 9 steps back... story of my life

Sheesh

Ok this one coworker will not take a clue!!  He keeps asking to "hang out" in other ways.  I finally told him I was flattered but not interested.  So he replies (i kid you not) "When you are ready sugar. Remember I am the perfect speciman of male and will treat you especially well if you get the reason."

I keep thinking of the show Beauty and the Beast, and Gaston comes to mind. This guy is so full of himself it is unreal.  Sad thing is it works for him.  I guess he had a relationship with another coworker and it was within 2 days of her being hired that they slept with each other.  And yes he told the boss about it. Dumb.  This lady has since quit the job but they just hired another female and im questioning how that will go.  My boss's wife said she warned her that being a female the guys will hit on her.  Apparently shes a tough cookie, Hope so.

Also I know what has been going on with me lately.  Seems like something has not been right.  Well today I started to get a small backache right over my right kidney, Not cool.  So drinking a lot of water right now and going to see the DR tomorrow if it doesn't get better.  Anyone who knows me, knows I dont handle being sick.  Hopefully it's nothing and just goes away :-)

One of the things I did want to talk about is about the single parenting of a special needs child.  It is exhausting.  Sure I have always placed myself of the back burner to put both of my childrens needs before mine. But with a special needs child, it is worse.  With my other daughter, she knows when mommy needs some time to rest or needs to sit down.  With Evie, she does not understand this.  I am constantly doing something with her, or watching her.  Just keeping an eye on her.  It is always just go go go.  Right now, even though I am sitting down at work waiting for another order to come in, I am still working with her.  I still get up and help her with her room, deal with her over my shoulder, she keeps me busy with helping her read, or working on things. And after this weekend, it will be me and 2 kids again.  But I do have the help of a friend with that.  Both girls love him to pieces and Im sure they will wear him out!

Real quick

My other kiddo will be up here this weekend!!!!  I am super excited about this. 

I have to say the part about this move that has been the hardest for me is leaving her with my parents.  They didn't mind and trust me she gets spoiled rotten.  But she was able to finish the 3 weeks of school there and go fishing, riding a tractor, panning for gold, water balloon fights, eating out with my parents, swimming, playing with her cousins cat, bugging her cousin, and just having fun.

It also gave me a chance to get Evie established up here and ready for all her medical stuff.  So far she is doing better.  Yesterday she had a bit of an sensory meltdown, but luckily I was able to head it off somewhat.  She was a bit emotional and a lot of the other children at the splash pad was not sure what to make of her.  But I don't care. 

Today shes doing great. I do believe she has rediscovered her love of yoga (ok I hope she has).  We'll see.  I know that it will help her whens he feels overwhelmed.  Just need to get it better in control.

Also my thoughts about today, Do I cut my hair?  Seriously I have not had it this long in a LONG time.  Yes it is long enough to pull back in a rubber band, but in this heat its driving me NUTS.  Hmmm we'll see.

Also I know a few of my friends that have been reading this is worried about me.  Trust me when I say things are going good.  Writing has always been a great way of releasing everything from me.  Plus you must endure the trials to find the blessings.  Also I have figured out what I want to do.  I was looking at the full paramedic program here and it will be a bit more attainable for me.  So I am looking at the goals I need to accomplish to make that happen.  Yes I want to do my EMT thing again.  I guess im crazy when I say I LOVED it.  It was hard, but knowing that I was there to help others no matter the situation is what I miss.  So yes I will be working behind a desk for awhile at this job, however they also have a tuition program that will help with school.  So yes this girl is going to get back on TRACK!!!!

Anyways I best get going, Evie's yoga class is almost done and we have to run some errands before I do work tonight.  She ran out of bubble bath (yes in our house that is severe) but she managed a bath last night without it.  HOWEVER I do need to remedy the situation and get some today.

adios

hobbies

With all this talk about my PTSD and things, I haven't given much thought to my old hobbies.  I do hope to start them back up when I get the chance.  I remember there were things that I LOVED to do that I have either lost interest or the time to do them.

I want to start crocheting again.  I was doing that for awhile before the move, well then you can imagine the craziness.  I don't even know where my needles are.  I gave away a lot of my yarn but I did keep a few colors.  It would give my hands something to do and might make a great stress release.

Writing.  I used to love doing creative writing.  I had to do some for an English class a couple of years ago and it fed my passion.  Well there again I just haven't had the time to sit down and do that stuff.  I had a few stories on a Jump drive at one time, however someone stole it. grrrr.  I remember those ideas but to redo them again will be a pain.  I will find a time when I can I know.

However it wont be for awhile that I can start a lot of this.  This weekend I am going halfway to meet up with my parents to pick up my youngest daughter.  Then if I accept it, Monday I start a new job that will be full time.  The days off will not be together so I just will have to see what I can do.

One of the things I used to like doing, was watching movies.  I still cant sit still to watch anything.  HA you would think I would be able to... but right now nothing sounds good to me.  Oh well... just going to take it slow.

Once again I have a lot of thoughts going through my mind today.  Maybe that's why it seems I'm bouncing between everything.

Is it bed time yet?

I am BEYOND tired t the moment and my work shift just started.  Not sure what is going on, it could be a series of things at the moment.  My guess?  the mix of stress and PTSD.  There are days where I feel great and days like today, where I can just sleep the day away.

Today I think was triggered.  I have been working with the Department of Workforce for assistance with a lot of Evies medical stuff (Medicaid) and looking for work.  Well the good thing about UT, is you can meet with a therapist and get referred to a program to help keep things under control.  At first when they had suggested it, I wanted to tell them they were wrong, that I was fine and cured.  But deep down I knew that it was a false sense of security.  So I met with the lady today.  We had a nice talk and she asked some questions that I did not want to answer, but I did.  So yes emotions were a little rocky.  She does believe I will benefit from the program and is making the referral over to a place there off Redwood Rd.

Now many people may think that my PTSD started with my marriage.  But it didn't.  There are many people that are in denial from where it originally started from, but from talking about it today, helped and knowing what was said was the truth.

... The truth is, I am a broken soul.  I was before I met my ex husband.  I was before I moved up to UT 17 years ago.  I didn't know who I was, or how to think for myself.  Everything thing was made for me, choices, decisions.  Reason I had an issue with HS and College (the first time around)... was because I couldn't think.  I hated life.  I wanted to run away but I stayed.  It took forever for me to move through those emotions and finding excuses for why I was treated the way I was.  I had a boss that saw it.  But there again, I ignored the fact and just kept going along with it.  So you see a pattern?  There are many in abusive relationships (and yes not always marriage) that find excuses for behavior, listen to what is being said about them and believing it. 

Well today I finally talked to someone about that life.  It was nice letting someone just listen and not say "Oh I don't think that happened...." or "That person is so nice, are you sure it wasn't medical?"  So yea sometimes a strangers ears are better for some things.

I don't hate or resent the person who started all this.  I have learned to look past it and deal with it.  Now the person does have some medical issues that causes issues so yes it is an excuse.  But I don't care.  I have learned to forgive, but it doesn't not mean you forget.  You never forget the emotional feelings from being degraded.  you don't forget how it feels to be worthless and believing that you are nothing.  Some may not understand how this can happen, surely the person will just ignore and shrug their shoulders?  Well it isn't like that.  Over and over, time after time, you hear the same thing and deal with the same thing, so yes after awhile you do believe that it is true.

So that is all how it started.  15 years ago I had found a perfect person.  Perfect in my eyes, he was kind, loving, sweet, and a gentleman.  So I figured he was too good to be true.  I was not used to having someone that loving and nice.  We went our separate ways, only because I kept pushing him away from me. 

So now this is also why I am so picky when it comes to falling in love.  To protect myself.  And with days and times like today, it just is better to be alone rather then with another adult.  So another reason I had decided it was time to work on my issues.... So I could function as an adult.  The way I handled all those emotions was just ignore it and do or others and stay busy.  I never put myself first nor did I care. All that took a tole out on my health.  It is time I deal with this and heal... so I can take care of myself.  Up till getting this help, everything I have ever done, I did for my kids.  I would NOT take time for myself.  I made sure my kids always was first... in fact there was no "amy".  Just the mom who loves her kids and refused to deal with emotions.

Well I am rediscovering myself and hopefully discover how to help me.....

Yes it is me again.....

Nightly vent....

This one coworker of mine.  He calls me to run an order, which is fine, that is what I am paid to do.  Yet he just keeps hitting on me like mad.  I am NOT interested. First of all he is into more of a physical aspect if you get my drift.  I'm not.  I want a real relationship that I know is based off other things then just that.  Well tonight he asked me to dinner this weekend, I kindly told him no.  He then texted me and said "Anytime you want to hang out and do adult things hit me up".  UGH!!!!  Yes I am sure there are women that will fall for that, but I am not that one. 

The other lady I work with, has not had an issue with him yet.  She was being asked out by someone else but not him.  She laughed and said that I was "lucky".  Umm once again no.  This just goes to show that there is temptation everywhere.  I just need to better prepare myself to not give in to it.

Like I have said, my life is not perfect.  I am far from it.  But I do kind of know what I am looking for in a relationship (ok once I get over my commitment fear). 

My list:

Strong in the gospel (but doesn't need to be perfect)

Someone who respects their priesthood

Faithfull

Loves children

Supportive

Financial supportive (as in pulls weight, I supported my ex and don't want to do that again)

Does this person exist?  I don't know. There are times I believe my list is so long once again to protect myself.

part deux

I'm taking a small break from work.  Just thinking about something....

Ok so the new ward I moved into (as you have already read about) it hasn't been to great.  Well last night my kiddo needed a blessing after her meltdown.  I called around and nothing.  So I called one of my dear guy friends (he lives in another part of SLC) and explained the situation to him.  He came over and talked to her about her actions and things that were going on.  I do question if he understands her issues are more mental then anything else.  But either way she settled down and l hugged him.

So here is the situation.... both of my girls love him. Natalie just adores him like you wouldn't believe it.  She hasn't had a father figure in her life pretty much since she was 6 months old.  So the "dad" thing is new to her.  Don't get me wrong, she has had male influences in her life but that has been my younger brother, my dad, my ex husbands dad and some male teachers.  That's it.

My worries is they will get hurt.  And I don't mean by him.  I trust him... but I also know how I am with relationships right now.  I have a tendency to push people away, not wanting to deal with it.  I don't want to push him away where he is no longer in their lives, but at the same time I want to figure out things.  I know his feelings for me are strong.  But after having years of building up walls and not allowing any of those feelings or emotions in, it scares me.

I do find faults and even though I have not expressed those to him (yes I know I shouldn't) but there are things that just eat at me.  I vowed that when I was ready for a relationship that they would not be anything like my ex, strong in the gospel, great example, be able to take me to the temple....  nothing physical.  I don't know.  I guess I am scared to open my mind and heart after all these years.

but on the bright side... it has been raining here and the temp hasn't been to bad.  Yeah the kiddo has been going stir crazy being stuck in the house, but hey we are finding ways of keeping her happy.  Actually we did check out some movies from the library so she has been indulging herself with that.  Lately she has been watching a lot of Mythbusters.  I figured its not SpongeBob cartoons.

It is monday13th

I am sore.

For those that are not aware, Evie was diagnosed with Schizo-effective disorder with possible manic episodes.  It is a step down from Bi-polar.  I don't know how to feel about this diagnosis.  At times it answers my questions, but at times it does not.  She is also ODD (Oppositional Defiant Disorder).

There are a lot of unanswered questions that I have.  One of the reasons we moved to Utah, was so I could find those answers.  Up here they have a better pediatric behavioral health program.  I am just hoping to get answers to questions about certain behaviors she still has.

At times she seems like a 3 year old trapped in a 9 year olds body.  There are days where she seems fine but there are many days she seems like a young toddler.  These are the questions that I have still.  Her diagnosis does not explain this or why she cannot express herself verbally.  There are days her meltdowns are from being told she cannot do something, and there are times they come from her not feeling well and not able to verbally express that. 

Last night she had one of those meltdowns.  She wanted to bake a cake and I told her it was too late.  Well before I knew it, she started the process and had made a huge mess. Well I asked her to clean it up and she refused.  So you can see where this is going.  I ended up having to clean the mess before the roommate came home.  After that, she still had her aggression and anger.  So there I ended up dealing with that.  Yes I tried ignoring it and was talking on the phone with my parents and my other daughter.  Her anger got worse.  She was trying to push my buttons to get me to act out.  So needless to say she ended up causing me physical pain.  I am hoping that she didn't cause serious problems.  s she is getting bigger (9 years old, 4'7", 130 lbs). You may ask why I don't punish her?  Well there is a history with that. ...

I have always made sure I made a big deal when she did something good.  I made sure I praised her for her good behaviors and deeds.  Yet for her the negative is what fuels her.  The one time I spanked her (not hard), she lied to her teacher.  And from there on she saw the attention she was getting from her teacher through her stories and lies.  It took awhile for her to understand the damage it caused.  It triggered my PTSD. Every-time an unknown phone number popped up on my phone my anxiety kicked in.  When I saw her teacher or the school calling, it triggered.

She has calming techniques she is suppose to use, but she chooses not to use them.  She does her practicing while she is in therapy, to please her therapist, but will not apply them at home.  She gets that rush.  Now during her tantrums, she will straighten up when I can refocus her, but during the meltdowns that does not work.

What is the difference you ask?  A tantrum, can be redirected.  She will look at her surroundings and see who is watching her act up. The Meltdown, is almost sensory.  Her emotions or something takes over.  You will get further reasoning with a brick wall.  They get this glassy blank stare and just scream, kick, self harm or others.... till they start to calm down and realize something happened.  They stem from her not being able to verbally express herself.  There were times when she would have these issues, that I later found out she was sick, hurt, or something was wrong.

You cant reason with her or explain to her.  Like her summer reading.  She thinks grabbing a book, looking through it, counts as a mark for her reading.  I have tried to explain to her she has to read full books for 20 minutes.  But she doesn't understand that.
This girl can read.  She loves reading but there is no way she can read that fast.  I read more and I cant.  There are days that YES I can finish a 300 page book in a day, but that is only if I sit and read and do nothing.

oh well.  I do what I can as a single parent.  I have done this for 6 years, I can do it longer If needs.  This kind of leads me to another vent.... but wont worry about that till later.  Right now I'm just going to sit here and listen to the thunder and do more research and read.

Yes, its me again

I love all my friends.  I don't care what nationality, religion, race, gender, or sexuality they are.  I love them.  My pet peeve is people who are racist.  They may not think they are, but its amazing what I hear.  They may "joke" about something, but some of us do not want to hear it.  I am trying to raise my children in a world of love and support.  To not judge others...  Yet there are people out there that use derogatory remarks, or names.  They use those words even while joking.  Well there is nothing funny when you have a 9 year old asking what the word means? 

If you have an issue with things, then walk on.  I will not tolerate others who judge others lives.

Just another Sunday

Today I seem to be racked with emotions and its driving me nuts.  Right now I am sitting at the library while Evie does her 20 minutes of reading for a new sticker on her reading chart.  I figured I would bring my laptop and look for places online to live.  Yet my heart just isn't in it. 

In the past, every Sunday left me feeling whole and amazing for the new week.  Yet since coming up here I have YET to feel that.  Yes there has been some profound things that touch me from time to time, but nothing like before.  In the past there were people I knew I could call for a blessing or just someone to talk to.  Yet here, Nothing.  Apparently I have home teachers yet they never have visited or contacted me.  I have Visiting Teachers, and still nothing.  Today I just barely met the bishop of our ward, only because we had to turn in our tithing.  Never met the guy, nor spoke with him.  I feel so alone here its unreal.  A lot of the people in that ward do not know how to act around me being a divorced parent.  But oh well.

The gospel is the same no matter where you are in the world.  The people will be different, but the base of our religion is the same.  That is what I love.  I love just going and reading my scriptures or singing the hymns.  Yet today I felt none of that.  I wont let that stop me though, since I know where that feeling is coming from.

I have been reading a lot from the Tattooed Mormon (Al Fox).  If you have not read her book, I would highly suggest it.  Even if you have never heard of her, youtube her.  She has talked about many things that I have felt or even been through.  Its just nice to read about another convert and her struggles with trials and following the steps that she needs to take. I also follow her on twitter and hope to see her talk live just once. 

As you noticed my mind and thoughts are all over the place today.  Like I said there were a lot of random things going on in my mind.  Yes I am dealing with the PTSD lately.  Even though I have moved forward, its amazing what small things set me back.

What is weird, I have my EMT license.  It has never triggered my PTSD (which some people said it would).  But that position gives me a sense of direction in life.  It is where I feel blessed and strong.  It is almost like a calling.  The class was hard and as I Look back I see how far I have gone and how I passed and survived.  Not many did.  I know I would love to finish the program up here in UT, but for now with all of my daughters medical stuff, it wont be possible.


and here is where I leave you... for now.  Time to look up places to live since I need an apartment.